From Skyline, a selection of adverts. Though haven't I already done this? Don't want to kill the joke, so...
We're back.
Noel: But I didn't have the chance to put sugars in my cuppa. Oh well... let's crack on.
Jacques: My first pick is box 13, of which the lovely Kim Kardashian is standing behind. I don't know why she's famous. I really appreciated shots of her in the music video of Kanye's Bound 2. Hehe.
Kim doesn't say anything, just laughs in an annoying ditzy way. She reveals...
£10,000!Noel: Could be better, but oh well. Let's crack on. Next box...
Jacques: I pick with the death box... 22.
Noel: Now that's dangerous! It's been exactly 44 times that box 22 has completely wrecked someone's game...
Mark: Seriously? Can't this stupid idiotic presenter actually say something right? Quite clearly it's 28 times. Good grief, I'm embarrassed to watch this show sometimes...
BankerSpanker: I know. It's like all the intelligence was sucked out of this show. Box 22 is opened by Betsy Bidwell, a nutritionist.
Betsy: Noel, I must say, you are looking good for 65. I bet you've been having a healthy diet all your life.
Noel: Yeah... I usually have 14 cups of coffee though... this show can really get too much. No alcohol though... because I don't want to get drunk on the set. And don't get me started on those energy drinks. Utterly disgusting.
Betsy: 14 cups of coffee?
Betsy faints...
Noel: Well, since that lady is particularly shock sensitive, I'd better open this one.
Box 22 contains...
£10! The audience claps!
Jacques: Happy with that. Now, let's starting eating into that hobo 5. I do hope Betsy's OK. Maybe she hasn't been eating a particularly good diet... I'm going to go for box 14 next, with one of my favourite rappers, Jay-Z. I loved that Girls, Girls, Girls song. Simply amazing.
Jay-Z: Glad you did... want an autograph?
Jacques: Sure, sur...
Jennifer Spencer: That song, simply hideous. One of the most sexist, and even racist songs I've ever heard! Girls aren't pieces of meat, you disgusting human being! *puts down Daily Mail paper*
Noel: Why are you reading a newspaper during filming? Logic much?
Jay-Z: Excuse me, Miss Fufu, but you're being a total booboo. (I can't rap, sorry).
Jacques: Now that was a DISS *gives thumbs up*
Jennifer: Ah? And I'm not even African.
Box 14 contains...
£500! The pilgrims cheer.
Jacques: Well... that was interesting, and that adds to my autograph collection! You know Noel, I have 258 autographs... some very obscure. Including... DONALD DUCK. I didn't even know ducks HAD hands! HAHAHAHAH.
*crickets chirp*
Jacques: Oh, whatever, I just pick 8.
8 is held by Robinson Cano.
Jacques: Who? Whoever in the wide old world are you?
Robinson Cano: You DON'T KNOW ME? The soon to be richest, handsomest 2nd basemen to ever play the game, THAT'S WHAT. EVERYONE KNOWS ME!
Jacques: Doesn't ring a bell... just open the box will you? Stop wasting my time.
Robinson: I'M INSULTED. A $24,000,000 salary person DOES NOT DESERVE THIS AWFULNESS.
He storms out of the studio.
Noel: Do I have to open EVERYONE'S DAMN BOX? THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M HERE FOR. IT SAYS IN THE CONTRACT THAT THE BOX OPENERS OPEN THE BOXES! WHICH IS LOGICAL. Oh... I'm beginning to sound like those miserable pilgrims. Oh... whoops... hehe. Please edit that out...
Box 8 is opened and contains...
£3,000!Jacques: Looking good so far! No power 5 amounts. Feelin' confident.
Noel: Yes. But don't let that Will Relf hear that. He's particularly cunning. But he is quite polite.
Jacques: My next box is... Alexander Dennis, my pal. Open box 3, will ya?
Alex: Ah yes Jacques. this guy is amazing, man. Downed 7 pints, 10 tequila shots... not to mention all those mixers... and ended up at the hospital!
Noel: But I thought he was suffering from food poisoning! I forgot to tell him that the tuna casserole is mixed with raw chicken juice by disgruntled caterers to give it a bit more flavour...
Jacques: ahahah... no. I puked all over the nurse too.
Jennifer: Oh God grief, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD? UKIP WILL SOLVE ALL OF THIS.
Alex opens box 3... which contains...
£5,000 !
We await our celebrity banker... who was so bored of me thinking up all of this claptrap.