SCENE 1 - INT. DREAM FACTORY

Noel Edmonds introduces the show. He talks about boxes, money and questions.


<TITLE SEQUENCE>
A twisting tunnel coloured red and blue made from a phone line shows lots of different values of money and a selection of people some of which look happy and some of which look sad. The title DEAL OR NO DEAL appears on screen.



SCENE 2 - INT. DREAM FACTORY

We are greeted by Noel Edmonds amid cheering and clapping from the other people inside the studio.

Noel: Hello and welcome to the Dream Factory. My name is Noel Edmonds. I enjoy wearing bright coloured shirts. Other things I like are sideburns, gunging people, and carrying out practical jokes on celebrities. Please note that Mr Blobby will NOT be making an appearance today or on any other shows as I am trying to recover some credibility and dignity.

Noel Edmonds starts praying to the spirit gods that we will have good fortune in this game.

Pilgrims: ....

Players: ....

Viewers: ....

Noel: Ahem. Let's see the names!

A giant TV screen flashes lots of different names on the board. It stops on Mike

Mike: Yeah!

Noel: Take the walk of wealth.

Mike does so.

The nerves have got the better of him. He is going to be mortified watching this on the box. A proper ''watch from behind the couch'' scenario.

SCENE 3 - INT. DREAM FACTORY

Noel: Do you have a name?

Mike: Yes.

Noel: Are you from somewhere?

Mike: Yes.

Noel: Do you have a job?

Mike: Yes.

Noel: Do you have friends and family?

Mike: Yes.

Noel: Good. I myself have all of the above too. I even have a job. I present things on the television. I get paid lots and lots of money. Do you get paid lots and lots of money?

Mike: No.

Noel: That makes sense. Why else would you be here after all? Haha. I met my current wife from this show don't you know? Very attractive. Younger too. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

Mike: Don't you want to hear any details about my life?

Noel: Oh good Lord no. Haha! Sorry, but I've done over 2000 of these. I'm really beyond caring.

Mike: But I cross dress-

Noel: Silence.

Mike: But it's interesting. And I have an attractive girlfriend too. She smells of chicken.

The phone rings

The Banker: Tell a more interesting story that's appropriate for 4pm.

Mike: I was infected with lust and wonder.

The Banker: We were doing well until the lust.

Noel: I tire of this. Let's play DEAL OR NO DEAL.

Mike confirms he chose box 21 at random, thus completing formalities.

SCENE 4 - INT. DREAM FACTORY

Noel and Mike talk. Mike says his strategy is to open boxes.

Bernard starts proceeding and opens box 3. It contains £50,000.

Groans for the pilgrims.

Next up is Rich who opens box 4. This box contains £3,000

Noel: I like bees. Sarah: you look scrummy delicious.

The Banker: I like Sarah too. I'm giving her £100.

Sarah opens box 14. She reveals £5

Box 16 is opened next by Marion. But first, she talks to Noel Edmonds. She eventually reveals 1p

The dream factory erupts in cheers along with music. Mike and Marion kiss. Viewers at home wonder what is happening.

Finishing the round is Pat. Her box 7 contains £100,000. She apologises amidst groans from the studio.

The phone rings.

The Banker: Hello, I am the banker. I am filled with lust and wonder. I am going to now offer you some money you will never take. It is £2,000

Noel: lol

Noel and Mike talk. Then suddenly, the phone rings.

The Banker: I like the cut of this young mans jib. I am upping the offer to £7,000

Mike: No Deal

Noel: Come back for the next part. There will be blood.

I suspect the commentary is more entertaining than the show.

SCENE 5 - INT. DREAM FACTORY

Noel laments the fact that all of the show seems to take place indoors. He wonders whether they might boost viewing figures by taking the show on the road and hosting it in a variety of outdoor locations. The phone rings.

The Banker: That's a stupid idea. We're not doing that.

Noel: Yes boss.

Mike gets to the task of opening more boxes.

His first choice is box 19 held by Hardick. It contains £100

Noel: I love you Harry but you're not as good looking at the attractive girls around you.

The Banker: I'm giving Harry £100 for insulting you Noel. Take that.

Mike meanwhile realises this is his game. He selects Jason with box 10 which contains £10

Lisa is selected last with box number 1. £750

The phone rings.

The Banker: Hello. I am now offering £11,000. Please deal.

If you insult Edmonds in the studio, you get £100.

Do it anywhere else and you get tracked down and demonised.

Who else is going to insult Noel today?

Noel: I am now making conversation in an effort to look like I care. There is also the added bonus of it filling up time because these shows are an hour long. Now, I'm not a great mathematician but even I know that it doesn't take 1 hour to open 22 boxes.

Mike says something inspirational which gains applause from the pilgrims.

Mike: No Deal.

Noel: Do you like my shirt? It's all stripey.

Mike: I am choosing box 2 with Adamu.

It contains £50. Wild cheering by members of the studio..

Tony is up next with box 15. This box contains £10,000 which under the circumstances is good judging by audience reaction.

Noel tells us to come back after the break.

Noel: Or else.

£10,000 is not a problem as it is under the offer.

SCENE 6 - INT. DREAM FACTORY

Noel: Welcome back to Deal or No Deal. Please tell all your friends to watch. The higher the viewing figures the more likely I am to keep my job. Today we have Mike playing. He has to choose 1 more box to finish off this round. So let's let him get on with it.

Mike chooses box 11 with Chris. He reveals 50p. Cheering.

The Banker: Grumble grumble. Why's he hitting blues. Hit the £250,000 god dammit. But it's alright, you're going to have a horrible run like yesterday. So take £15,000 and get out of my sight.

It's hard to say whether this is a stronger board than Charlotte's, or a weaker one.

Kris gives advice.

Mike girlfriend says he knows what to do. Another relation says he would deal.

Hannah says the worst possible round doesn't result in a bad board. It is good advice.

Mike needs a moment to compose himself, utterly shattering any respect the banker had for him in the process.

Mike: No Deal.

Great tactical advice from the girlfriend there. Just ignore the numbers on the board.

In that case, why bother opening any boxes then. Just hand someone a desired sum at the start of the game and there you go - Wham, bam, thank you mam.