22 boxes. A quarter of a million pounds. Just one question.

Why are they playing the £250k win music for taking it out in proveout now?

Actually it'd be great if "something popped out of the table" in this show, as the trailer suggests happens in Come Dine With Me after this when every self-respecting game show fan will be torn between Pointless and The Chase. (Pointless for me.)

Noel calls Chan's game "one of the all-time cuddly games". CUE THE REPLAY! Of the 1p kiss, as it turns out.

She had a box yesterday. Hopefully that means she will get an OPW today.

Natalie Green, formerly of Bolton, now of Northampton. She's just started a humanities degree at Northampton University, which she ended up in through clearing.

Photos: one from the family, one from a Christmas fancy dress party in which she was Cheryl Cole and her boss was Simon Cowell.

Her partner Ben refers to her as Cheryl Mole! We talk about how she said she lost her key very early on in her relationship and asked to stay at his place! They're already married.

Noel thinks Natalie will be emotional and honest in her approach. She's got Box 1, the formalities are complete, let the game begin!

ROUND 1

I've just noticed Mark's not on the forum so that's a good sign it's an OPW from a Deal.

Newbie Kris is a giant. This is the subject of initial conversation.

We're now with Carla, who has a hole in the back of her top. Oh she's gone from quiet to come-hither.

Box 13 (Carla) - 50p
Blue top, blue value.

I'm really uncomfortable with this sudden sub-plot of flirtation from Carla, but I'm stuck commentating so I have to watch this. Oh something to do with Harrison saying he was gay. Or something. "We've only opened one box and it's turned into The Jeremy Kyle Show!"

Box 2 (Lucia) - £250
No 1p kiss for her this time, but it's still a blue.

Box 8 (Franca) - £50
Natalie is bubbling a bit now. As well she might after this start.

Box 3 (Ben) - £35,000
He's got a charity shop shirt. It really is Noel-esque.

Box 17 (Hardik) - £5
You can't argue with that round.

The Banker says it was the most random opening round ever. He talks about the chat show trope of putting a strap line on the bottom of the screen showing the topic of discussion. Hilariously, we then get exactly that. Including for Ben. Natalie's husband, not the man on the wings.

Banker's offer:

£12,000

"Gosh, twelve grand. Never seen twelve grand." First tactical mistake.

BRILLIANT! Noel says she can't deal at 17-box and the Banker phones up to correct him!! And the filler for the rest of the hour would be Carla/Harrison talk.

NO DEAL. Obviously. Pointedly, Noel doesn't say "thank you"!

Sheesh, Carla is going to be annoying. 3 minutes spent banging on about nonsense!

Noel throws to break maintaining the Jeremy Kyle theme. If I wanted to see a mixture of Jeremy Kyle and risk/reward game show I'd rewatch High Stakes...

I HATE Jeremy Kyle! I want to watch DOND and not some crap from ITV.

Did someone mention Carla and banging??

Oh, honestly!

Apologies all round!

Top irony as the last advert in the break featured Cheryl Cole.

Well, we get a trailer for a Channel 4 show and the infamous Anadin break bumper after that.

Oh, Noel goes on one of his Daily Mail ramblings against humanities degrees. Natalie corrects him by pointing out this is a prelude to an eventual career in primary school teaching! The chat show bumper line: "Natalie: Who has just been insulted by Noel Edmonds!"

Box 15 (Hannah) - £50,000
She's being built up as a Black Widow.

Box 14 (Adamu) -£500
He was discharged from the military due to literal cold feet.

I'm liking the colour balance of this board if nothing else.

Box 6 (Russ) - £10,000
Mixed reaction.

No, no, say what you want!

Back to the game and I have to say it's not going too badly, hoping Natalie gets a good amount.

Noel is more optimistic than the pilgrims about the £10k. He then anticipates a stick. He asks the Banker for his interpretation.

Banker's offer:

£12,000

I'd have expected a stick after a round like that.

Ben: "I don't know what to say, it's massive." Natalie is worried about the £20k-£75k gap. Noel says the more you look at the board the more balanced it looks.

NO DEAL. Noel thanks her for that one.

Sartorial question: Is that lovely blouse Natalie is wearing from Ted Baker?

ROUND 3

And the Jeremy Kyle theme goes on, this time with possibly-mock insults from Natalie to Noel. We get a strap for that. And for Harrison eating all the spare doughnuts.

Box 9 (Jean) - £75,000
All of these box openings are now hilariously choreographed. That one, ideally, wouldn't have happened all game.

Jean says to "just keep going". WAKEYIST GRANNY ALERT!

Box 19 (missed) - £1,000
That's a red we can afford.

Noel says that already every single box counts. Natalie wants the penny. Noel calls the break.

If a low blue is found, probably the same offer again.