This is Deal or No Deal, where common sense goes to die.

Tonight’s recap begins in the middle of a game that began on last week’s episode. I was unable to provide a recap of that episode because I was out of town at the time.

The first part of last week’s episode featured too much stupidity, and has been stricken from the record as a result However, if you truly want to know what happened, visit this website to view recaps of every single episode of Deal USA.

We begin this week’s show with carryover contestant Kyera Chandler. I believe this is the first time there has been a straddled game on Deal USA since the original NBC series ended in 2009. All I know about Kyera is that she’s a big bowling fan and loves pink. She arrived on stage in a pink bowling shirt and black pants, and the models were all wearing the same outfit as her.

Kyera has case 16 on the Dollar Desk. She got two rounds under her belt on the last show, and here’s how they went.

Round 1
[3] - $5
[17] - $400
[26] - $75,000
[6] - $5,000
[11] - $25,000
[21] - $400,000

BANKER'S OFFER

$21,000

NO DEAL

Round 2
[9] - $200,000
[10] - $100,000
[2] - $75
[13] - $300,000
[1] - $500,000

BANKER'S OFFER

$29,000

NO DEAL

The board after round 2:

$.01
$1
$10
$25
$50
$100
$200
$300
$500
$750
$1,000
$10,000
$50,000
$750,000
$1,000,000

And now, let’s find if Kyera will bowl a strike or end up in the gutter.

So, from what I’ve found out about our contesatant, she wants to be the next Oprah Winfrey and give gifts to the entire audience. She also wants to own a food truck that serves both tacos and brownies. That’s a pretty bizarre combination.

If you’re a bowler, you’ll know that if you get three strikes in a row, it’s called a turkey. Any time Kyera opens three left-side amounts in a row – the Deal version of a turkey – everyone in the audience will win a prize.

And now, it’s time to resume this game already in progress.

Round 3
[7] - $1
[5] - $10
[23] - $50,000
[20] - $10,000

Well, no turkey in that round, but at least the top two amounts are still up for grabs. The offer is

BANKER'S OFFER

$52,000

Time to meet the supporters. We have Kyera’s husband Hakim, her brother Theo and her mother Carol. Everyone wants her to play on, and Kyera agrees with them. She says NO DEAL.

Another shot at a turkey comes after the break. Later on, class is in session as a school principal – or headmistress as the British folks say – takes on the Banker for the big bucks.

We’re back. Kyera is dead set on getting a turkey for the audience. Let’s she if she can do it.

Round 4
[15] $750,000 - Gutterball!
[8] - $25 - Strike!
[19] - $1,000,000 - Gutterball and game over!

No point in getting into the nitty gritty. New offer is

BANKER'S OFFER

$200

NO DEAL

Round 5
[4] - $300
[14] - $.01

BANKER'S OFFER

$300

NO DEAL

Round 6
[12] - $200 - There’s the turkey, but who cares at this point? Everyone in the audience is going home with a GoTrax EXL foldable electric scooter. Whoop-de-freaking-doo.

BANKER'S OFFER

$400

NO DEAL

Round 7
[24] - $100

BANKER'S OFFER

$550

And now, here’s the most useless counter offer ever.

BANKER'S OFFER

$800

REJECTED

Round 8
[22] - $75

BANKER'S OFFER

$700

DEAL

Yay. And there was fifty bucks more in her case, $750. Bad deal, bad game. ‘Scuse me while I ralf.

*ralfs and drinks some brain bleach*

Okay, that was utter shiite. Out next player is the super energetic Carri Nevad. She’s an elementary school principal and her entire teaching staff is in the audience. Her husband and mom also work at the school with her, and her three kids also attend said school. Carri wants to win enough to get her kids set for college and take her teaching staff on a cruise.

Number 17 is Carri’s chosen case. Let’s hope for a better game this time.

Round 1
[26] - $75
[3] - $500
[5] - $300,000
[16] - $100
[15] - $400
[25] - $100,000

Okay, not bad. First offer is a biggie. It’s

BANKER'S OFFER

$30,000

Highest opening offer of the series, I think. Carri says NO DEAL, and we take a break.

We’re back with everyone’s favourite overly-caffeinated principal. Let’s play on.

Round 2
[8] - $1 - Blood-curdling scream from Carri.
[22] - $750 - And another one...
[11] - $200 - And another one...
[13] - $1,000 - And another one...
[7] - $10 - And another one...

God, I hate this contestant. The Banker offers

BANKER'S OFFER

$56,000

...and a pop quiz with three questions. If Carri gets two of three right, the Banker will put on a dunce cap. If Carri fails, she has to wear the dunce cap.

[Q1] What is the capital of Canada?
Carri says it’s Ontario, but it’s Ottawa. Ontario is actually the province where Ottawa is located.

[Q2] How many pennies in $1 million?
Carri says 100 million, and she’s right on the money.

[Q3] The “or” in Deal or No Deal is what kind of word?
Carri says it’s a conjunction, and she’s right again. The Banker puts the dunce cap on.

I love it when Americans know nothing about Canada. Always makes me laugh.

Supporter time. They include Carri’s mom, the school superintendent, her husband David, who works in the school’s IT department, and one of her teacher buddies. They tell her to say NO DEAL, and that’s exactly what she does.

Round 3
[18] - $750,000
[12] - $50,000
[10] - $500,000

Howie calls a break, and that’s where we’re headed. Good thing too, because I can’t take all of this screaming.

We’re back to complete the round.

[2] - $1,000,000 - I’ve never been happier to see the million go away. Serves her right for being so annoying.

The Banker says a competitive person can take a punch and come back. The new offer is

BANKER'S OFFER

$19,000

Carri says NO DEAL.

Round 4
[14] - $300 - And we’re back to screaming.
[6] - $400,000 - That’ll shut her up.
[21] - $25 - I spoke too soon...

The things I have to put up with to deliver a half-decent recap. More chaos after the break.

Welcome back to Deal USA. The last game messed up the space-time continuum, so we’re stuck in 2006 with a contestant who will not stop screaming her head off. Here comes the next offer.

BANKER'S OFFER

$15,000

Quick NO DEAL from Carri.

Round 5
[1] - $75,000 - Silence. Thank God.
[20] - $5 - Aaarrrggghhh!

New offer is

BANKER'S OFFER

$23,000

Board:

$.01
$50
$5,000
$10,000
$25,000
$200,000

Carri’s decision comes after the break.

We’re back. Carri is not screaming right now and is thinking about countering. Her friend says she should counter at $40,000. That’s somewhst realistic. Carri does decide to counter, but she does so at

BANKER'S OFFER

$60,000

For someone who works in a school, this woman knows nothing about math. The Banker quickly dismisses the brainless counter offer, and on we go.

Round 7
[9] - $25,000

Whatever. “Consider this a gift,” says the Banker.

BANKER'S OFFER

$34,000

DEAL. Proveout time.

Round 8
[23] - $.01

BANKER'S OFFER WOULD'VE BEEN

$53,000

Round 9
[4] - $200,000

Only fifty bucks inside case 17.

Thank the Good Lord this game is over. Literally the most annoying hour of television I have ever endured through. Both contestants were complete idiots.

Next week, we take things to the Max with someone who hopefully knows how to use their indoor voice. Meantime, I’m heading off to The Joker’s Wild to get high with Snoop Dogg. I think I need it after this debacle. Until next time, good night and good deals.

Literally nobody except one ever dealt at 11-case, but Kyera's board actually justified an 11-case deal...

Definitely was worth considering if you were desperate to leave with something, but with only a 5% of finding both of the top 2 most US players would go on. I would've gone on myself, though I'd probably be using my counter offer with 8 cases left had one or both of the biggies stayed.

As Mark said, these 2 games were a total mess that I'm glad they decided to combine into 1 episode.

I'm generally a bit more of a conservative player. I prefer 8-case and 5-case deals, 11 is acceptable if the board is fragile.