Try this: http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/185323353

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't

stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies,
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to
be single and
2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm

Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Jeff and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

brilliant joke geordie love it in fact

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!








Because today is viewing day.

There was an English Man a Scottish Man and a Chinese Man, and they were all in an areoplane flying above GB, the english Man pointed to England and said "Look My Lovly England". The Scottish man pointd to Scotland and said "Look, A buitiful scottland" then the chinese guy chucked plates out the plane and said" My Buitiful chini.



A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old *beep*. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"


There was an englishman, irishman and a scotsman who worked on a building site.
It was time for their dinner so the englishman opened his bait box and said "if I get cheese sandwiches tommorrow i will throw myself off that bridge" and the scotsman and irishman both say the same.
So the next day comes and the englishman has cheese sandwiches, so he jumps off the bridge.
The scotsman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches, so he jumps off the bridge aswell.
The irishman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge too.

At the funeral the wives meet up and the englishmans wife says "I wish I could of just made him another kind of sandwich"
The scotsmans wife says the same.
The irishmans wife says 'I do not know why he jumped.... he made his own sandwiches.'

A white horse goes into a bar and asks for a pint of lager. The barman says, 'LAGER?? I would have thought you'd want a whiskey, since our best whiskey is named aftter you'

The horse said, 'What FRED?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a Tellytubby thats been burgled???

A Tubby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller whose name is Paddy
Wack.The frog asks to loan £25,000 and Paddy Wack says that is hell of
a lot of money for a frog to borrow.Tell me your name says the bank
teller and the frog informs him his name is Mr Jagger and his dad is a
famous rock star."Have you anything to put up against this loan" says
Paddy Wack and the frog produces a little pink elephant.The bank teller is
not sure so goes to see his manager and tells him he has a frog at his
counter by the name of Jagger,he wants to borrow a lot of money but the
only thing of any value to put up is this little pink elephant,tell me
manager whats it all about??

Wait for it.......





Its a nick nack Paddy Wack give the frog a loan,his old mans a Rolling
Stone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.I went up to him and said, "Come on son, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.I called him a Nazi.He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.So I called him a piece of dog *beep*.He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.Then he started writing a third ticket.This went on for about 20 minutes.The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Personally, I didn't give a *beep*. I came into town by bus.I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jelly bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?"

The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

So Jelly Bean says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and starts kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are bloody menthol".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,"No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak & heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?!" "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

A boy and his mother were eating breakfast in their house. "Can I have some more milk please mother?" enquired the boy, staring at his bone dry corn flakes. "No, you can't", replied the mother. So, after being let down by his own mother, the boy reached into his pocket, pulled out a knife, and proceeded to murder his own mother.



No, I agree, it isn't funny, it's disgusting infact - all over a boy having some milk. However, I thought it more relevant in this topic than in the "Which Instruments do you Play?" thread.

The above is a post I saw on another forum some while ago, and for some strange reason, the last sentence got me in stitches.

A rather surreal joke but here goes:

A penguin wearing a bow tie goes into a pub one night and walks up to the bar. He sees a bowl of peanuts on the bar who then say to him, "Hello, I like your bow tie! It really suits you!"

After having a few drinks, the penguin goes to the loo and, when he goes to wash his hands, the condom machine says, "Oh dear, that bow tie you're wearing! It's awful! Doesn't suit you at all!"

So, rather taken aback by the condom machine's comments, the penguin complains to the barman and explains what's happened. The barman replies, "Oh, I know! The peanuts are complementary but the condom machine is out of order."

Any idea what the topic title WAS???

a man says to his doctor, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor replies, "well, dont go there anymore then!"







*suffers heart attack onstage*
*crowd laughs hearts out*

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field!

Two monkeys in a bath. One said to the other: "Ooh ah ah ah!! Ooh ah ah!" So the other replied: "Put some more cold in then".

What did the elephant say when he wanted a bun?
Can I have a bun please?

Sewage worker

It's a *beep* job!

None of anybody's jokes could make a sick cat laugh.

i gound severel quite amusing but then again you do need to have a sense of humour to find them funny

Computer Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?
===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah.........thank you.

===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
==============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

== =============
Customer: Can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============
Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

So why not post one of your own, instead of criticising others?? Most of us on here have a weird sense of humour, anyhow, and I laughed me sox off at some of these jokes, but if you think they stink, well, let's see what YOUR humour's like.

well said avie