Jokes thread

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those
who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He
studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb
the
corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for
his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he
gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion..'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the
congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed.
He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two
weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a
brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Poker Face.

I saw that on Perez Hiltons Twitter.

What's your username?

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car dealership...

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his grey hair 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the A69, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then

130mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a nice day, Sir,' said the policeman.

A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?

One sunny morning, a 62 year old farmer summoned his apprentice son to collect some hay from the store, 2 miles away.He was told the trip should take no more than 50 minutes, but he gave him his Mobile just in case something happened. The apprentice got into his tractor and set off.

1 hour later, the Father was beginning to wonder where he was when the phone went off. He answered, and the apprentice was there.

''Hello'', said his son, ''I've got the hay, but I've run over a pig.''. The father said ''oh well, it does happen. Just drive away''. The the son said ''He is kicking and squealing. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me''.

The father, sounding concerned, said ''Oh, in that case, look underneath the seat of the tractor. I keep an M1 Carbine there. Fire at the pig 3 times to kill it''. His son did just that, killing the pig instatly.

2 hours later, his concerned father phoned him this time. ''Son, where are you? Did shot the pig didn't you?''

''Yes'', replied his son, ''but his motorbike is still stuck under my Tractor''.

Tracey, 1/10/09: "It's haunted me, that £10, hasn't it?"

You won't have heard this one before because I made it up (you'd never tell)...

What did the owl say to four half-wits chatting up a girl?

Tracey, 1/10/09: "It's haunted me, that £10, hasn't it?"

Here's another joke I invented...

Why was everyone surprised when Black Beauty won the race?

This one was sent to me recently by ex-contestant Dirk (and he said I could share it with everyone on here...). :lol:

Quote:

"After getting all of the Pope Benedict's luggage (and he does not travel light) into the hired limo, Paddy ( the limo driver) notices that the Pope,on his visit to New York, is still standing on the kerb
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says Paddy, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive in New York"
"I'm sorry, Your Holines, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests Paddy, wishing he'd never was booked for this job.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, Paddy gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. Paddy quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 140mph.........( Remember the Pope is German.....Autobahn).

",Please, please, please slow down, Holiness!" pleads the now distraught Paddy, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metaluntil they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!" moans Paddy.
The Pope screeces to a halt and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but officer Murphy takes one look at him,goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" says Murphy to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radioand officer Murphy tells him that he's stopped a limo going 140 mph. " So burst him," says the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that , he's really important," says Murphy.
The Chief exclaimed , " All the more reason!"
No, I mean REALLY important." replies Murphy with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, " Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Murphy; " Bigger"
Chief: " A senator?"
Murphy: " Bigger.
Chief: " The President?"
Murphy: " Bigger"
"Well ," said the Chief, who is it?"
Murphy: "I think it is God!"
The Chief is by now even more puzzled and curious, " What makes you think it's God?"
Murphy:" It is the Pope who is driving the limo!"

This one was sent to me recently by ex-contestant Dirk (and he said I could share it with everyone on here...). :lol:

Quote:

"After getting all of the Pope Benedict's luggage (and he does not travel light) into the hired limo, Paddy ( the limo driver) notices that the Pope,on his visit to New York, is still standing on the kerb
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says Paddy, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive in New York"
"I'm sorry, Your Holines, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests Paddy, wishing he'd never was booked for this job.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, Paddy gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. Paddy quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 140mph.........( Remember the Pope is German.....Autobahn).

",Please, please, please slow down, Holiness!" pleads the now distraught Paddy, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metaluntil they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!" moans Paddy.
The Pope screeces to a halt and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but officer Murphy takes one look at him,goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" says Murphy to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radioand officer Murphy tells him that he's stopped a limo going 140 mph. " So burst him," says the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that , he's really important," says Murphy.
The Chief exclaimed , " All the more reason!"
No, I mean REALLY important." replies Murphy with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, " Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Murphy; " Bigger"
Chief: " A senator?"
Murphy: " Bigger.
Chief: " The President?"
Murphy: " Bigger"
"Well ," said the Chief, who is it?"
Murphy: "I think it is God!"
The Chief is by now even more puzzled and curious, " What makes you think it's God?"
Murphy:" Well it must be, the Pope's driving him around!"

This one was sent to me recently by ex-contestant Dirk (and he said I could share it with everyone on here...). :lol:

Quote:

"After getting all of the Pope Benedict's luggage (and he does not travel light) into the hired limo, Paddy ( the limo driver) notices that the Pope,on his visit to New York, is still standing on the kerb
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says Paddy, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive in New York"
"I'm sorry, Your Holines, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests Paddy, wishing he'd never was booked for this job.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, Paddy gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. Paddy quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 140mph.........( Remember the Pope is German.....Autobahn).

",Please, please, please slow down, Holiness!" pleads the now distraught Paddy, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metaluntil they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!" moans Paddy.
The Pope screeces to a halt and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but officer Murphy takes one look at him,goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" says Murphy to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radioand officer Murphy tells him that he's stopped a limo going 140 mph. " So burst him," says the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that , he's really important," says Murphy.
The Chief exclaimed , " All the more reason!"
No, I mean REALLY important." replies Murphy with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, " Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Murphy; " Bigger"
Chief: " A senator?"
Murphy: " Bigger.
Chief: " The President?"
Murphy: " Bigger"
"Well ," said the Chief, who is it?"
Murphy: "I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

DEAR GRIM REAPER,So far this year u have taken away my favourite celebrity,jade goody,my favourite dancer michael jackson,my favourite actor patrick swayze , and now my favourite singer stephen gately .Just to let you know,my favourite twins are john and edward.

Haha...made me laugh, that did.

Well, I decided earlier that I'd quit my job as a surgeon. Too many gory bits, made me sick. "Well, I suppose cutting up bits of people isn't a very nice job" said my old mate..."but at least someone else can have a hack at it now".

(I made that one up myself).

And now for a little rhyme thought up by my sister Tahlia and dad Gary one evening.

There was an old man from Bengal,
Who went to a fancy-dress ball.
He thought he could risk it and went as a biscuit...

But a dog ate him up in the hall.

I thought that was very good, for an 8-year-old girl and a 38-year-old window cleaner. But more for the window cleaner than the girl..

**Joined:** Thu May 21, 2009 10:10 pm **Warnings:** 0

My Science teacher was arguing that it's impossible to be hit by a stationary object.

Quickly changed his tune when I smacked him in the head with a Stapler.

Well, I was told earlier to try a pear. No I said, horrible things, I hate them. "But why, oh why?" asked my mother inqusitively. Well, I said, we got on well till I told it it was fat, and it all went pear-shaped from then on really.

This was while my dad was talking to a bloke on the phone about buying a new car. He hadn't had much luck lately so had decided to call a mate. "Don't you worry" I told him..."just tell him what sort you want and you're motoring on your way".

Again, both my own products.

**Joined:** Wed Jul 11, 2007 4:32 pm **Warnings:** 0

A man walked into Ann Summers and asked for lingerie for his wife. The range went from £50 up to £150 and the more expensive the product the shearer the material. The man settled on the most expensive and took it home to his wife. He asked her to put it on and model it.

Upstairs she finds the receipt and holds up the material. She thinks "£150! There's nothing of it, I might as well wear nothing. If I take it back I could spend the money on other things!!"

Back downstairs and totally nude she strikes a pose. Her husband looks up and says, "Blimey it wasn't that wrinkled in the shop!!"

His funeral is next Thursday!

Mr cadbury met mrs rowntee on a double decker,it was just after eight.They got of at quality street,infront of the fishermans friend pub,.H asked her name "polo i,m the one with the hole"she said in a quiet wispa,I,m marathon,the one with the nuts " he said! Then he touched her creme eggs ,they slipped into a hotel,he slipped his hand into her snickers and felt her milky way.He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs.it was a fab moment,as she let out a scream of turkish delight!!!!!!sadly 3 days later his sherbet fountain startedto drip ..It turns out ms rowntree had been with bertie basset who had allsorts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-)

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