Just pick all the boxes

willrelf will be with you later

OK, lets start with 13, 22, 14, 8 and 3.

Just kidding. I'll make the proper thread after dinner. ;D

I'll take note of those choices though. Willrelf, get ready to GUEST BANK!

I am ready!

Welcome to Deal or No Deal. As you know, I'm Noel Edmonds. 65 years young. 28 BAFTA awards. I guess that's a bit unfair, seeing as I have recorded a lot of Deal or No Deal episodes... and I also give a small sum of my pay as a bribe.

Last week, I let some random person present the game since I was off sick with smallpox. The idiot changed the format and I'm just not sure what was going on in that studio while I was suffering.

I'm alright now, mind.

So, someone who went by the nickname of Archestered or something won £100,000. Congratulations to him. Hopefully something exciting will happen today. I hate missing exciting weeks. If I get another boring game I'LL SUE.

Our celebrity guest banker is William Relf, who has a He was a brilliant singer back in 2009 with a lot of talent, but the way that music is going, making Nicki Minaj's famous while William Relf gets undiscovered is unfair. But that's music-biz, and I really don't know how it works.

So who's playing? You will be playing as Jacques Catford. He lives in... Catford, South East London. A bus driver by trade, he drives the 47, and sometimes, the 136. Ensue banter about three buses coming at once.
In his spare time, he is a DJ/MC whatever - a massive fan of rap music, and is a massive basketball fan. Oh, and a sneaker collector.

Don't like to hear banter about buses, rap, basketball and trainers? THEN SWITCH THE GOD DARNED CHANNEL.

Oh yeah, he brought box 11 to the table.

Jacques: Yeah, I'm pretty excited to be playing this. I've been watching every Sunday... I was so disappointed when they took away my Sunday shows - but now they're back.

Noel: That's good. So, let's talk about some interesting stuff. This 47 you drive. What's the weirdest experience you have had while driving this bus?

Jacques: Well, I do tend to get a looneys during the evening, even before I start doing the N47. Once a drunk hopped on the bus without paying. Since I'd probably get moaned at by that stupid Stagecoach garage manager, I stopped the bus and confronted him. He threw up on me.

Noel: Oh dear. Talk about bad timing. Ah, it says is you have 36 pairs of sneakers?

Jacques: Ah, yes. My target is 100, haha. If I win a lot of money, I will probably get to it, hahahahaha.

That comedienne with a really low sarcastic voice (what's her name again): Oh good grief, can we please get on with the game? This is getting slightly ridiculous.

Noel: OK, Jacques - I'd like you to confirm that you chose box 11 at random before the game. And something about an independent Jew dictator.

THEN LET'S PLAY

Noel: Oh, yes. Twists. We have three twists for you.

50p and £50 will be replaced by joke prizes of similar respective prizes.

There will be one shift (if you know how six-shift works) after round 3.

And yes, Box 23 will make a return.

GOOD LUCK.

Nice to see your...unique commentary return Skyline. Hopefully the players don't win much this week, that is the aim for me.

The joke prizes... are...

In place of 50p - Candy Crush Saga - Extra Life. - the producers of this game need to make the money, though. So I will never download it on my iPhone. Plus I don't care for Bejeweled Blitz.

In place of £50 - Nike Renzos - The cheapest of the world of Nike. The Old Kent Road. The booby prize. They still look cool though, don't they, Jacques?

The board thus looks like this:


Jacques: I would much rather have a pair of Lebron XIs. I actually really want them as well, but a price tag of £117... I'm, going to do a lot of saving up and get a job. But why has Jacques Catford randomly turned to Jacques Smith?

So, I think we can start now?

Yes, let's begin with the £250k box...

13 of the box openers are celebrities...

BankerSpanker: OH FOR *BEEP*'S SAKE GET ON WITH THE STUPID SHOW! IT'S 4:10PM AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED A BLOODY BOX YET?

Mark: I know right... I do wish we could just open the boxes and all...

Noel: Why do you always have to be here when I'm trying my best to present this show? It's ridiculous. You're always berating me. Oh, looks like it's time for a break. Ah, goodie goodie. Time for a little cuppa. Jacques, you just get comfortable in the crazy chair. Sorry for the oxymoron.

We'll be right back

From Skyline, a selection of adverts. Though haven't I already done this? Don't want to kill the joke, so...

We're back.

Noel: But I didn't have the chance to put sugars in my cuppa. Oh well... let's crack on.

Jacques: My first pick is box 13, of which the lovely Kim Kardashian is standing behind. I don't know why she's famous. I really appreciated shots of her in the music video of Kanye's Bound 2. Hehe.

Kim doesn't say anything, just laughs in an annoying ditzy way. She reveals... £10,000!

Noel: Could be better, but oh well. Let's crack on. Next box...

Jacques: I pick with the death box... 22.

Noel: Now that's dangerous! It's been exactly 44 times that box 22 has completely wrecked someone's game...

Mark: Seriously? Can't this stupid idiotic presenter actually say something right? Quite clearly it's 28 times. Good grief, I'm embarrassed to watch this show sometimes...

BankerSpanker: I know. It's like all the intelligence was sucked out of this show.

Box 22 is opened by Betsy Bidwell, a nutritionist.

Betsy: Noel, I must say, you are looking good for 65. I bet you've been having a healthy diet all your life.
Noel: Yeah... I usually have 14 cups of coffee though... this show can really get too much. No alcohol though... because I don't want to get drunk on the set. And don't get me started on those energy drinks. Utterly disgusting.
Betsy: 14 cups of coffee?

Betsy faints...

Noel: Well, since that lady is particularly shock sensitive, I'd better open this one.

Box 22 contains... £10! The audience claps!

Jacques: Happy with that. Now, let's starting eating into that hobo 5. I do hope Betsy's OK. Maybe she hasn't been eating a particularly good diet... I'm going to go for box 14 next, with one of my favourite rappers, Jay-Z. I loved that Girls, Girls, Girls song. Simply amazing.

Jay-Z: Glad you did... want an autograph?

Jacques: Sure, sur...

Jennifer Spencer: That song, simply hideous. One of the most sexist, and even racist songs I've ever heard! Girls aren't pieces of meat, you disgusting human being! *puts down Daily Mail paper*
Noel: Why are you reading a newspaper during filming? Logic much?
Jay-Z: Excuse me, Miss Fufu, but you're being a total booboo. (I can't rap, sorry).
Jacques: Now that was a DISS *gives thumbs up*
Jennifer: Ah? And I'm not even African.

Box 14 contains... £500! The pilgrims cheer.

Jacques: Well... that was interesting, and that adds to my autograph collection! You know Noel, I have 258 autographs... some very obscure. Including... DONALD DUCK. I didn't even know ducks HAD hands! HAHAHAHAH.

*crickets chirp*

Jacques: Oh, whatever, I just pick 8.

8 is held by Robinson Cano.
Jacques: Who? Whoever in the wide old world are you?
Robinson Cano: You DON'T KNOW ME? The soon to be richest, handsomest 2nd basemen to ever play the game, THAT'S WHAT. EVERYONE KNOWS ME!
Jacques: Doesn't ring a bell... just open the box will you? Stop wasting my time.
Robinson: I'M INSULTED. A $24,000,000 salary person DOES NOT DESERVE THIS AWFULNESS.

He storms out of the studio.

Noel: Do I have to open EVERYONE'S DAMN BOX? THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M HERE FOR. IT SAYS IN THE CONTRACT THAT THE BOX OPENERS OPEN THE BOXES! WHICH IS LOGICAL. Oh... I'm beginning to sound like those miserable pilgrims. Oh... whoops... hehe. Please edit that out...

Box 8 is opened and contains... £3,000!
Jacques: Looking good so far! No power 5 amounts. Feelin' confident.
Noel: Yes. But don't let that Will Relf hear that. He's particularly cunning. But he is quite polite.

Jacques: My next box is... Alexander Dennis, my pal. Open box 3, will ya?
Alex: Ah yes Jacques. this guy is amazing, man. Downed 7 pints, 10 tequila shots... not to mention all those mixers... and ended up at the hospital!
Noel: But I thought he was suffering from food poisoning! I forgot to tell him that the tuna casserole is mixed with raw chicken juice by disgruntled caterers to give it a bit more flavour...
Jacques: ahahah... no. I puked all over the nurse too.
Jennifer: Oh God grief, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD? UKIP WILL SOLVE ALL OF THIS.

Alex opens box 3... which contains... £5,000 !

We await our celebrity banker... who was so bored of me thinking up all of this claptrap.

tl;dr:

13 - £10,000
22 - £10
14 - £500
8 - £3,000
3 - £5,000

Since I'm kind, I'll give some stats... courtesy of Bothers Bar. I won't bother with some of them, like the Median (yeah, very useful), Absolute Balance and Significant Balance (...what‽) - good opportunity to throw in an interrobang there. ‽‽‽‽‽

Very good round for you guys, I have to say. It leaves me no choice but to offer something good...

BANKER'S OFFER

£11,000

As always with these games, you can attempt to negotiate risk-free and have 2 negotiations available.

No Deal.

Ah, thank you William. This will make Jacques think.

Though whoever dares deal at this point will have wet fish doused all over them. And you won't like it because the fish are rotten and cut up and that really smells.

You have until 5pm GMT tomorrow to make your decision. Then we shall continue. It's first come, first served.

N-er, NO DEAL, thanks! Oh, and the comedienne with the low sarcastic voice - Jo Brand, perhaps?

That's a VERY generous offer for the board. I'm tempted to take it right now, but I shall negotiate first.

*waits 12 hours for Skyline's response to this*

I thought for sure that Skyline post a picture of a fish or some other crazy thing in response to that comment. Anyway, I genuinely wouldn't consider anything less than £15,000 (the clear fulcrum of the board) on this board, so NO DEAL.

It's obviously about those Nike Renzos. No Deal!

Jo Brand: Finally. I think it's personally an absolute disgrace that someone knows of me but doesn't even remember my name. It's rather ridiculous, really.