What else would you mean?

nothing! of course! ...i was merely clarifying my meaning! xxx

Glad that's cleared up.

Okay, Dirk is an instant legend. Those jokes are pure gold! I'm in for sure now. Awesome jokes, Dirk; you're a fantastic comedian !

Clare,
yes it'a pity we weren't together at the show.
Look at some of the replies I got from some of the female contestants just because I wanted to be friendly and start a conversation.

"Me : Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Female contestant: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Me: Is this seat empty?
Another female contestant: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Me: Your room or mine?
Yet another female contestant: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Lady contestant: I'm a female impersonator.

Me: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female contestant: Do not enter.

Me: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

Me: Your body is like a temple.
Contestant : Sorry, there are no services today.

Me: I would go to the end of the world for you.
One of the females: But would you stay there?

Me: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Now, who was she again: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."


Clare, I felt lonely and all I wanted was to have a bit of a chat.

Anyway to all of you, a bit of a quiz:

WHO OF THE FEMALE CONTESTANTS DO YOU THINK SAID WHAT?

Aww Dirk, I feel sad that the female contestants said those things to you. I'm also very sorry that you felt lonely! I would certainly have had a chat with you!

Trick question? David said them all?

Not sure what the trick would be as Dirk specifically said 'female contestants'....

I do apologise, it was the whole "female impersonator" bit that had me wondering...

nope, still lost me.....

Ah, never mind Clare.

Btw you're not this......... 1st grade school teacher who presented each child in the classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Did their insight may surprise you.
While reading, I did keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds. Mind you I do think the last one is a classic!

1/ Don't change horses until they stop running.
2/ Strike while the bug is close.
3/ It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4/ Never underestimate the power of termites.
5/ You can lead a horse to water but how?
6/ Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7/ No news is impossible
8/ A miss is as good as a Mr.
9/You can't teach an old dog new Math
10/ If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11/ Love all, trust Me.
12/ The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13/An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14/ Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15/ Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16/ A penny saved is not much.
17/ Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18/Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19/ Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose
20./ There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21/ Children should be seen and not smacked or grounded.
22/ If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23/ You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24/ When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25/ A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!

26./ Better late than Pregnant

Clare ,

these are questions and their answers given during a recent test.
Sorry, I cannot give you the name of the school involved but it did cause some staff problems.


Q. Name the 4 seasons;
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand the meaning
A. ‘Hands that judicious can feel soft as your face’

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you are after you be eight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male has an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you become intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with smoking
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk souring?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the branium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E, I, O and U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does the word ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. What is a ‘Ceasarean section’?
A. A district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When someone is sick at an airport

Hahahaha, great stuff there Dirk!!!!!!

I think this one is the best.

Thanks Dirk, these are another set of great laughs!! I laughed my head off when I read them and I love it that you are thinking of me when you post!!!

Here are my favourites!

I have to join this after yesterday's performance

Good Luck with your game

Hahahahaha, you gotta love Dirks style, made me chuckle.

Btw Claire.... did you honestly think he was being serious???????????????????

Yes of course, we all love children because they're cute and oh so innocent and therefore especially for Clare:

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pi..ed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy *beep*! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Dirk is a legend! Can't wait for his game!!!

Epic jokes, Dirk ! Keep 'em coming!
Best of luck in your game as well !

And if he "fails", you'll go off him?