Well the bit about the teeth was in today's show!

I had another funny e-mail from Dirk earlier on with jokes and so on. He suggested I could use them on here, so why not? And what a perfect place to post them - in Dirk's fan club.

Here we go...

PUNS INTENDED....

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?

6. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

8. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

10. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!

11. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

16. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal..

17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

18. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

love these!!!!!!!!!! thank you dirk and thank you david for typing them in!!! they really made me laugh!! i especially liked 1,3, and 16!! hehe!

I love getting these e-mails from Dirk!! Always puts a smile on my face

Dirk, I don't know where you get all these jokes and videos from!!! Do you have a huge collection of them on your computer?

All men have a collection on their computer.

All right then here's a joke:

" Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

Here's some more puns that Dirk e-mailed me this evening. They make for entertaining reading.

"PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption..

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!"

He sure knows some good puns!

I must share another Dirk quote.

"Who is Chivers? Do you mean Shivers? As in a cold."

hahahaha this one made me laugh out loud!! a true lol!!!

Time for another Dirk story.

Dirk would often be sitting in the pub, thinking so hard that you could almost see the cogs whirring in his head. Then suddenly he'd launch into a long joke. Perhaps one of his favourite was one about Sauerkraut. I'm not sure any of us understood the joke, but I think the general gist of it is that a baby is born and a code is sent to tell the relatives that it's a boy by suggesting it has a sausage - hence the Sauerkraut references. I'm sure Dirk would be kind enough to reproduce the joke here in full for all your pleasure.

Anyway, at about midnight one Friday evening, a few of us were left in the pub, including Dirk, Lisa, Chris, Anna (and myself of course). Dirk had been telling us jokes and had been targeting Lisa with some of his newer jokes that she hadn't heard yet. Anna bought some cake to eat, and she sat at the table nearby to try and escape from Dirk. However, Dirk realised this, so he took his drink with him and marched over to sit on her table and tell her some jokes she hadn't heard because she had been sitting away from them! I think she liked it really.

Actually - and this is something we debated at the time - I've just remembered that Sauerkraut isn't a sausage, it's a type of cabbage dish isn't it?

I think so. I don't think it's an actual sausage.

It was darned cold there in the studio that day during the first session and I thought they were talking about it being chilly and the word Chivers was mentioned.

Dave , telling a joke in the pub was not that easy and also remember I often said a British person laughs three times over a joke.

The first time is when it is told and everyone gets it, the second time a few days later when he/she thinks he/she got it and the third time a week later when someone actually explains the joke to him/her.


Yea , the Sauerkraut one. No problem Dave it will be placed.

Here are some more puns / jokes that Dirk e-mailed me earlier and asked me to pass on:

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

as an English teacher Dirk, I loved the newest set of puns!! they are excellent! i loved them! thanks for posting them david!

Hiya Clare.

did not know you were a teacher in English.
Are these children in your class:
"Junior School Children Writing About The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight t.esticles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 7)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her f.anny (Julie age 7).

Time once more for another Dirk Gem.

Dirk would always irritate Lisa by constantly saying she was "on the radar" once her show count had hit the low teens region. She used to get really annoyed, especially when I kept winding her up about it too. She made a big announcement one morning saying "I've had David and Dirk constantly telling me I'm on the radar. I know I'm on the *beep* radar. It could be me today. I know that!".

Dirk, thanks again for these!! they really made me laugh!! you have some great, funny stories/jokes!!!!
its a pity we wernt at dond together, i think we would have had lots of fun!!!

i especially like numbers 1,3,5,11 and 12!!

please keep em coming!!!!!! xxx (the jokes i mean! )