'Oh Quentin! Look what you've done now!' Patrick is still in a huff. Quentin looks like he's ready to throw the box at Patrick.

'BOX 19!' cries Ian over the din. 'BOX 19! NOW!' Even Ian is going mad. 'OLIVER! SAVE ME! AND OPEN BOX 19!' Oliver's a rather old man, appears to be quite shy, and looks more petrified than anyone in the studio except maybe Patrick.

Box 19 - £5,000

Almost as soon as the seal is lifted off Box 19, and with Quentin still looking mad, Ian cries out for Box 15.

Patrick is still in a frenzy. 'OPEN BOX 15!'

Box 15 - 50p

'Excellent! You're due at least a po... WILL YOU STOP IT QUENTIN!'

Margaret, standing one side of Quentin, sings in a deliberately obnoxious voice, very loud and very high, in order to drown out the din; Abbie, standing on the other, literally snatches the box that Quentin still had not put away!

Margaret stops, all is silent.

'OK, let's get serious again. You still have half a million and two other big sums of money, and you only have one more to open. What will it be?'

'For such a crazy display just there, Margaret with Box 3.'

'Do you normally sing like that?' asks Patrick.

'Oh no, and in fact I'm feeling bad that I did...' she replies. 'I'm a singing teacher, and I'm trying to encourage my students not to sing too loudly...' (the audience is in hysterics) '...getting them to try opera and folk singing, healthier to sing I find...'

'A word of advice, Margaret. Practice what you preach. Oh, and open Box 3 and do not reveal half a million pounds.'

Box 3 - £1!

'Well, you can relax now, Margaret. And remember, practice what you preach.'

'What does the Banker preach?' inquires Margaret.

Right on cue, the phone.

'I think he preaches being as mean as possible. And with the loss of the £300,000 in that round, I fear he has room to be very mean indeed.'

'Here we go...'

'...uh-oh...'

The phone call is that brief.

'I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. £3,001.'

The crowd go into frenzied booing.

'Well, he's trying to make me think I've got a fiver. That's about the only use of an offer like that,' replies Ian, barely restraining his anger. 'I can barely dignify it with a response, but I have to reply to it...'

'Oh, OK then, £3,001, Deal or No Deal?'

'NO DEAL! WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?' Ian is rattled by the joke offer.

'Three to open. Stay away from the red mist, and stay away from the red numbers, and you'll be fine.'

'Box 24 please.' Wendy's face oozes serenity. The other 25 contestants wish theirs could too.

Box 24 - £3,000

'Well, the offer was £3,001, and if he was trying to make you think you had £3,000 then it was a bluff...'

'I never said I had £3,000. I said I feared I had the fiver. Anyway, Box 6,' replies Ian, rushing along to stop Patrick getting a word in edgeways. Alisha - a curvy black woman wearing several pieces of ethnic-looking jewellry - instantly rushes to open Box 6.

Box 6 - £5

Ian jumps for joy. The crowd are going crazy. 'The roof is off the board, soon it will be off the ceiling... I mean, the studio...' Laughter. He collects himself. 'One more to go and this could be a big, big offer...'

'22 please.' Ewan, a grey-haired man who looks to be old but in good shape, is also straight to his seal.

Box 22 - £200

This is quite funny, KP.

[22identicalboxes: thank you. I aim to please]

The noise is growing even more. 'This is great stuff... everyone is having fun...' The phone rings.

'Except him...'

The crowd go silent and serious again. A reminder of how this show can at once flick from being like a farcical comedy to being like Millionaire.

'He says that so far, he has simply played with you. He admits this is a mistake.'

The crowd cheer.

'The offer for that box now...

...£60,005.'

The crowd go crazy. Ian can barely believe it either.

'If you go on, you will have to open two boxes. You cannot take out everything above the offer, but if you hit the £500,000 you will instantly have a much tougher fight on your hands.'

'Right. I know what I'm doing I think. There's a 75% chance I'm keeping the £500,000 this round, and I've got two decent safety nets, but I didn't expect such a big offer.'

'Would you like any advice?'

'Does anyone have any advice?'

Donald raises his hand. 'Donald?'

'You've got £850,000 there... the average is over £100,000. I think there's a good chance he'll go higher, I would go on, but I would not blame you if you consider 60 grand to be a job well done.'

'Anyone else?' Nobody's willing.

'I'm ready, then.'

'£60,005... real, tax-free money...

...Deal...

...or No Deal?'

Ian pauses for a fair while, or maybe that's just the editing.

'No Deal.'

'Well. Big sum of money... not big enough to shift you. Now, two pivotal boxes. We must avoid £500,000, but as you said, the odds are on your side.'

'Box 21 please.' Moirrey has beautiful pale skin and sparkling blue eyes, but she is shaking. She doesn't want to ruin Ian's game.

'Moirrey... are you OK?'

'I think so...'

She opens the box very tentatively.

Box 21 - £400

Ian rushes over to give Moirrey a hug. Both of them look close to tears already and there's still another box to open.

'Ian... Ian... calm down...' The crowd calm down too.

'Whatever happens you will have two six-figure sums of money at the next offer, and you will receive offers after every box from then onwards. But we really do not want to see a big sum now, and we cannot bear to lose half a million.'

'Box 17 please.' Gillian looks old enough to be Mairrey's grandmother. She confidently goes to her box, wishing Ian luck...