Boxes! Money! Pilgrims! Noel Edmond's Shirts! Noel Edmond's amazing beard and side burns! East Wings! West Wings! The Banker! The Crazy Chair!

And of course, just one question!

DEAL OR NO DEAL?

Boring intro time. I much prefer the celebrity one. Why don't they just use that all the time. I liked Noel getting chased by a giant evil phone only to be crushed to death by a box.

Noel welcomes us to the Dream Factory. Well, I assume that's what he's doing as I'm putting more of my attention towards typing this up. He's still talking. Saying Julia had too much good luck or something. Doesn't make sense to me.

Hey up, here come the names!

Doing battle with the Banker today is.... Jayden.

Had the £20,000 yesterday, before that £35,000 also before that the £35,000

Noel is making comments about Jayden's crotch.

Let us talk about what they are wearing.

Jayden is wearing ill fitting trousers. Noel is wearing an awesome blue flowery shirt.

Jayden has box number 10 and doesn't know much about water. When asked where it comes from he seems to struggle. He eventually settles on "taps".

Oh, and I think he works in utilities. Presumably water.

Oh dear, dead dog story. This is where my mind blanks because I don't understand/like dogs. Sorry!

House keeping complete, let's do this.

Round One

Josh (the dog i'm guessing) died when he was 21 on the 21st. So he's choosing that first.

21 - Lecia - £50,000

Bad dog!!

Now he's confused about why his box isn't on the wing...

This is going to be a looong game.

1 - Calvert - £5

Noel is now lowering his trousers. I'm going to have nightmares tonight, Oh my god. He's doing some weird groinal thrusts or something. Pass me the brain bleach!

15 - Hailey - £15,000

Is there anyone on this programme with a normal spelling of name?

2 - Viv - £75,000

Jayden is now wondering why he hasn't had an offer because there's 5 empty spaces on the wings. YOUR BOX IS ON THE TABLE!!!

19 - Ady - £750

That was hard work. Quarter past already and not even to the first offer. Ah, Mr Banker is here.

The Banker says Jayden doesn't have a brain. And apparently this is fair because Jayden thought the sun and the moon were the same planet which at some point had an argument and split up.

Banker's offer:

£7,000

Just tuned in. Is that really the first round just over? Must've been a long intro.

NO DEAL

Obviously.

Time for a break. Noel tells us to go and pour ourselves a glass of water. I fear I'm going to need something much stronger than that.

Advert #1 - Model boat building.

Advert #2 - Chocolate milk for breakfast. Seems a bit unhealthy to me. Ah, showing them on bikes exercising, so that's ok then.

Advert #3 - Car insurance. Boring.

Advert #4 - Two guys in a super villian type lab. Now they're doing olympic style sports. Not sure what this is all about. Oh, it's electricity.

And that's the adverts!

In the last 18 times box 10 has come to the table it has had the £250,000 4 times (most recently in Elaine's game, 19 June) but of course no-one has won it!

Noel welcomes us back.

Round Two

14 - Mother's birthday - Flo - £500

5 - Tom - £10,000

A few groans but seems alright to me.

12 - Chloe - 1p

I like all this talk about where water comes from. I'm sat in the middle of a thunderstorm at the moment. Well, obviously not right in the middle, i'm inside.

"Let the penny see the box". Noel doing a Paddy McGuiness impression there.

Banker's offer:

£10,000

Not a bad offer at this stage at all.

They're talking about what the money is worth and how he bought a car but i'm not really paying attention if truth be told. Looking at the time though I'm expecting a deal either at 11-box or 8-box.

Or possibly even now. He's talking about how £10,000 "gets him out of trouble".

NO DEAL

Round Three

9 - Mark £35,000

3 - Elenor - 50p

Break time.

"Come back and see my game. Watch the banker be in pain."

Wait, what?! That part was only 7 minutes!! I HATE CHANNEL 4!

Adverts!

Advert #1 - Girl at desk. Now in a helicopter. Getting British nationals out of somewhere. Guessing it's army or airforce. Yes! RAF!

Advert #2 - Girls doing yoga in front of TV. Oh, it's a bingo advert. These online bingo sites are shocking.

Advert #3 - Gary saved £1,000 at feels epic! Oh god, he's in a jacuzzi. My eyes! MY EYES!

Advert #4 - Guy shouting on a train. Lots of screaming! DEAD DOG.

Advert #5 - Half price off hearing aids. Well, that was dull.

Advert #6 - Lots of smiling! Usual toothpaste nonsense. Happy at least. I like the girl at the end.

Advert #7 - And her. Oh, supermarket advert. Got dull.

Advert #8 - God there's a lot more this time. Couple walking through another supermarket. Where there's a CAR on the shelves. It's now in their trolley. And thus ends the adverts.

P

Is that the product placement thing I was reading about? Not seen anything so far?

Anyway, one box to open.

16 - Mave - £250

I'd happily take this board at this point in proceedings.

Uh-oh, Jayden wants to speak to the banker. He's in hysterics 1 second after picking up the phone. They must have a professional comedian on the other end.

This bit's actually interesting. Jayden used to play football for England at U16 and U17 level.

Banker's offer:

£13,000

£13,000 is very good for that board; no shame in dealing here.

I expect a deal here...

2 of them on the West Wing would deal.

3 on the East Wing. Though they were looking around checking other people were raising their arms too, as if they didn't want to admit to it if others were going to.

NO DEAL

As he is a cautious player, he probably will deal at this offer....

Round Four

All this talk of earning respect gives me a bad feeling about this...

17 - Ben - £20,000

The safety net has gone says Noel.

6 - Carol - £1,000

4 - Carl - £100

Interesting board. Very top heavy. I wonder how the banker is going to react...

Banker's offer:

£16,500

I'd be done here, and I imagine so is Jayden.