How about a little humour to brighten up a dull Sunday, and erase the memory of a bad week? We're all aware of the amount of sob stories/gimmicks/disabilities/minorities etc that are being welcomed by the producers. A well-known Scottish football club director whose name escapes me, when asked who he'd consider as the new manager at the end of a really bad spell, famously remarked that he didn't care if it was a black,one-legged,lesbian saxophone player, as long as she got results! You have to think that this female, if she existed, would get on DOND without an audition!!

So, what would your sob/gimmick be? What would you put in the application if you thought it would guarantee a place on the show?

So if my sob story got me on the show, it might go something like this -

Noel - "I see you're limping very badly, would you like to tell us about that?"

Me - "I have an artificial leg, my 9 year-old niece lost a leg in a car accident and I was the only potential donor"

Noel - "Your courage is to be admired. And is she ok now?"

Me - "Well, since I'm five feet eleven, and she's only 9, it wasn't a perfect fit, but she did ok until she was running to catch a train and toppled off the platform into the path of the 3.45 to Bristol, ironically"

Noel - "What a shame."

Me - "Yes, but I know she's up there smiling down on me" (sniffs into hankie)

Noel - "And who's this in the picture?"

Me- "That's my own son" (Dries first tear)

Noel - "Very nice too. And those look like very special glasses"

Me -"Well, he only had one eye, and those were to help with the vision in his remaining eye, and make it look like he had an eye on the other, but he got ill and they had to remove his good eye, and I was the only potential donor""

Noel - "My word, that's extraordianry, you are a very courageous man. To share your eyes with your son, and now of course you can go everywhere together and see all the wonderful things life has to offer"

Me - "Well no, not really, you see he was crossing the road to get me a kebab, and as he stepped off the kerb he blinked, and didn't see a bus coming, and stepped in front of it and was killed instantly."

Noel - (pauses till I have my first sob) "What a brave, brave man. So tell us how you're going to play the game"

Me - "Well Noel, I'm a hardened gambler, I play bingo once a week and bet with my friends what day tomorrow is going to be, plus My niece's birthday was the 12th, so I'm leaving that till the end, and my son's birthday was the 31st. which as everyone knows is 13 backwards, and today I have box 13, and the bus that killed him was going to Bristol, ironically, so obviously that's an omen, so I''m going all the way today, and win that quarter million to pay for a brain transplant for my wife, who lost hers in a poker game with a one-legged black lesbian saxophone player in Bristol"

Noel - "Well, there's no doubting your credentials, and certainly not your courage, I think the bankers' gonna get ed! GOOD LUCK!!"

Hahahahahahaha!! I couldn't tell the difference from that and the show. I need to get some ideas!

Noel: So, back in 1935, you had an accident, would you like to tell us?

Me: Well, it was the Summer of '35, and I thought I would do a bit of shopping in Argos. I decided I would by an iPhone for my sister, Millie. But they had run out!

Noel: Wow, that is very, very touching.

hmmmm, so if you can zip around the space/time continuum, I guess that would be an iPhone shuffle?

Quote of the month and it's only the 1st!

I have to confess I saw a spoof promo for an iPhone shuffle on youtube, it had only one button and would randomly call your friends, among other features!

Some tale of woe don't know really

Noel - Welcome to you game basicasic

basicasic - Boo-hooo-hooooo, sob,sob, sniff, sniff, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ........

Noel - Can I offer you a tissue?

basicasic -WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, *breathes deeply* - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Noel - One or two?

basicasic - sob,sob, sniff,sniff

Noel - And who's this in the picture?

basicasic - WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Noel - Well on with the game. I'd like you to confirm you chose box 23 at random

basicasic - sob sob ..... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Noel - This display of grief and sorrow is surely worth a multi-million pound payout pilgrims. Would you like the lucky slippers basic?

basicasic - WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ...... sob,sob, sniff,sniff, sob,sob

Noel - GOOD LUCK!!"

basicasic - I'll have box 9 - Tw*ttii please Noel ...........

Noel: It's your game cookie! I know you're going to play it the way you want to.

Noel: Hello there, how are you today?
Me: I'm very good thankyou, going to give the banker a run for my money. C'MON! BE POSITIVE!

*Audience applaud*

Noel: Well, you're very pumped up! Are you going to talk us through this jumble sale you brought with you?

Me: Jumble sale? *cries* T.T.This is the c..ccontainer that has my father's ashes inside...

Noel: Oh, I'm very sorry.

Me: It's OK, C'MON! BE POSITIVE!
I'd like to point out that my mum, Jo watches the show every day, she's not in the audience unfortunately.

*Noel to camera* Hello Jo, Cookie's going to come back with a load of money!

Me: She won't be able to hear you.

Noel: Is she a little hard of hearing?

Me: No, she's dead. *Cries*

Noel: Here, let's get you some tissues...

Me: It's OK, I have some in this container.

Noel: That's a very nice container. Who made it for you?

Me: My sister *sniff* before she was tortured and had her brains blown out with a gun and sold on Ebay.

Noel: Tell me about your love.

Me: Her name was Aimee, but she was cruely taken from me when she fell down the stairs with a glass of water. I just thought the cat who is now also dead jumped from the window sil, I didn't realise she's fallen. She drowned in the water and then some how ate the glass causing her arteries and veins to explode, it ruined the carpet!

Noel: You're such an insperation.

Me: Can I just say I'm thinking of my granny, she was pushed down 10 flights of stairs and then from a cliff onto an industrial cheese grater. I said to her I'd give her £100,000.

Noel: That's very thoughtful of you, is she still with us?

Me: She was doing OK in hospital, but then someone put something in the aircon which gased the whole floor she was on it. I loved my nan...

Noel: You poor thing.

Me: YOU STUPID MAN I'M TELLING YOU I'M A MURDERER

Noel: You deserve a really good game for being so insperational

Me: I confirm *cry* I chose by box 12 at random before the show.

Noel: Your first box please.

Me: Box 7 please, Sammii. Sammii, you've been my best friend and I love you whatever happens do you love me I've been through so much. Oh, and on the 7th of the 7th, my 2 year old child accidentally committed suicide by slipping on some piss and breaking his neck, and then ending up in the Alantic ocean.

Sammii: Well, It's been great getting to know you.

Me: It should be, now produce a blue you load of old crap.

*Sammii opens £20,000*

Me: *cries* I didn't mean to pick that box *sniff*

Noel: Oh, you have to play on.

*I run over to the table and throw my box 12 on the floor and the lid opens showing £75,000*

Me: It slipped out of my hands...

Noel: We're going to have to restart.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Cookie is today's player.

Me: Hello Noel, can I just do some dancing for my Aunt that has Lung cancer?

Noel: I'll say hello to her. Hello Marilyn, hope you're Ok!

Me: She won't be able to hear you, she slits her throat accidentally de temps en temps.

Noel: Is she dead?

Me: *bursts into tears*
She's just hard of hearing you stupid little gnome!


________________________________________

Now I've read it over it seems slightly surreal and not much of a sob story but I'm not starting again.

ROFL at some of these...

My sob story would be being trapped in a lift with Jeremy Clarkson. Must be an awful experience!

That would be great! I imagine me and Jeremy would get along quite nicely

cookie & h both had me laughing out loud, especially cookie. wonderful stuff! basic, you let me down, when Noel offered you one tissue or two, I was so sure you were gonna say..."Deal!"

actually, on reflection, I guess being this addicted to DOND could be considered affliction enough!

thread of the month!

Noel: Please welcome Mike to the chair!

Me: Hi Noel.

Noel: Hi Mike. We're very lucky to have you here today aren't we?

Me: *Tears well up* I am lucky Noel. You see 8 months ago I went to my doctor and he said I only had 24 hours to live...

Noel: Amazing story. Please continue.

Me: I had eaten a dodgy sausage the day before. What I didn't realise was that it had been dropped in some poison. I just thought it was some weird green tomato ketchup.

Noel: Such an easy mistake to make. I once went to the shop and there was pruple carrots for sale.

Me: Well as I was saying! Anyway I felt a bit ill and went to my doctor and he that's when he told me I only had 24 hours to live and.....*crys*

Noel: Don't worry. I know how painful this must be.

Me: How do you know? Have you nearly died from a green sausage!?

Noel: Well no...

Me: Well anyway after hearing the bad news I went home and their on the doorstep was my DOND application form. I thought that i'd fill it in. But I couldn't!

Noel: Why?

Me: *crys* I couldn't find a pen anywhere! I looked all over the house and there were no pens to be found. Obviously I was in a rush...

Noel: As you were about to die.

Me: Exactly. So I had to break into my neighbours house and steal one of their pens. But as I did I tripped over and broke my hand *cry*

Noel: Take a tissue.

Me: So there I was, about to die and with a wobbly hand. My writing hand as well!

Noel: Such courage you show.

Me: However I managed to find a pen and use my non-writing hand to fill out the form. It was a struggle but I did it. I sent it by first class to make sure it reached you quickly, but then I realised there was a postal strike.

Noel: Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that.

Me: Anyway after sending it off. I didn't hold out much luck of hearing from you as I would be dead in 22 hours.

Noel: But you're not. How did you survive.

Me: Well I had this wrist watch on and I set it for the time *cry* that I was going to die. As my last hour approached I started to fell really ill and I knew my time was up...but then a miracle happened.

Noel: I believe in miracles.

Me: One minute before I was due to die, the watch stopped!

Noel: It stopped.

Me: Yes just like that and suddenly I felt better.

Noel: Wow that is just amazing. Why do you think it stopped.

Me: I'm guessing it was a miracle. I have the watch here to show you.

Noel: It says 11:59. You know when my watch stops sometimes I give it a little bang on the table like this *Noel bangs the watch* Look it's working again Mike!!

Me: Uh I don't feel too good...

I know it's bad

Ahahaha, fantastic.

"I spent my student loan on alcohol and now they're asking me to pay it back"

Reckon that would get me on?

Only if you spent it in a gay bar