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Schumi's Sekret Diary: Shanghai
Monday September 25 2006

Michael Schumacher is not reading the newspapers ahead of his return to the circuit where he made a complete **** of himself last year.

Many greets tifosi chums. So now you know what is going to happen. Yes, I will no longer be driving for the Scuderia in 2007 or entertaining you my beloved cap wearers, horn blowers and forum posters.

Three more races to go, my eighth World Championship to collect and a new job at Ferrari to bark upon. It is going to get very exciting, oh yes.

I have received many nice messages of support from a lot of people who are all rooting for me, and who say they will be behind me every step of my last three grand prix. And that is just the FIA World Council.

Niki Lauda is being very supporting also. Ever since he had the diggings at me about Monaco he has realised that his contract with German TV is likely to be gone and so he wastes no opportunity to climb inside my bottom. Yes, Schumi will win, yes, Schumi will go out on a high, no Kimi won't be able to motivate the Ferrari team like Schumi.

He is right, of course, but he is only saying it to get some brown points.

I have not told anyone the true reason why I am leaving F1, and I will only reveal it to you, my gang of tifosis, after the season is over. The reason I gave to the media - that I believe Felipe Massa is ready to take on an important role in the team - is obviously not true.

Felipe Massa is the kind of boy you wanted to stick down the toilets at school who only gets brave when he is surrounded by a bunch of heavy mates and has no sense of humour. Little shortass squirt syndrome. He has already tried to claim my side of the motorhome before Kimi gets here. His girlfriend has the brains of a small cricket. (even though she is equipped with a beautiful pair of gazongas) and she is still a greater intellectual.

When he and Kimi get together for debriefings in the Ferrari motorhome there will be more brainpower in the TV remote control than the two drivers. It saddens me to know that my legacy will be left to them, but I certainly didn't ask Jean to go and hire a poledancing drunk who can barely be understood when he's sober.

People have asked me what I think of Fernando Alonso's comments about me. I don't. There are certain things I choose not to get involved with. Responsing to criticism, politics, beach volleyball, Martin Brundle and giving sensible answers to Ted Kravitz that have more than five words in.

Life is too short. The dog barks but the caravan moves on. Or something like that.

I heard that Juan-Pablo is about to start testing his NASCAR car. Hopefully, by now he has put on enough weight to become a NASCAR driver. I hear the minimum is 100kg and you are not allowed to hold a triple cheeseburger with jumbo fries while you are on the scales to make the weight up.

Perhaps I can give him a big surprise and join him in NASCAR. That would be nice for him. We could have a Ferrari NASCAR team. All we have to do is throw away about 30 years of engineering research and we will be ready.

No, of course I am kidding. It would only be about 20 or 25.

I have a big challenge ahead in China. Last year it was not so good to hit the Minardi on the way to the grid. I had been given superstar billing in China as the almighty Schumster and then quite honestly and obviously it was rubbish to have a crash while pratting around playing with my steering wheel. Even David Coulthard losing control of his Williams in the pitlane wasn't as stupid as that.

So I must make amends. You will find that The Schum will perform at The Shang.

The Schum



Not written by himself of course

Formula One fans think the sport is more exciting this year thanks to the return of tyre changes and the revised qualifying format.

That is the result of the latest FIA/AMD Formula One Survey, which was published this morning. The survey was completed by 91,000 fans from 180 countries.

According to the survey, 66 percent of fans believed that the return of tyre changes had improved F1, while 73 percent thought the new knockout qualifying format was an improvement over the one-lap format.

An overwhelming 88 percent believed that more emphasis should be put on driver skill and less on driver aids, although interestingly 91 percent believed the sport should be an important showcase for technology.

However, only 28 percent of fans thought technology was the most exciting element of F1.

There was also a desire for improved television coverage of the sport. 80 percent wanted more in-depth interviews with drivers, while more than half wanted more on-board camera shots (59 percent), more pit-to-car radio (66 percent) and split screen coverage of the races (55 percent).

It was no surprise to see that 86 percent of fans wanted more overtaking.

FIA president Max Mosley said: "Our annual survey has again proved to be incredibly popular with Formula One fans across the world and their response to the improved format of the sport in 2006 has been very positive.

"We recognise their view that technology is important but that the right balance with driver skill must be achieved and that improving car design to encourage overtaking must be one of our priorities.

"We are now working very closely with the teams and manufactures to ensure that we encourage the introduction of new energy efficient technology which will not only help to improve the show but will also have a direct environmental relevance for the motoring public.

"With the assistance of our technology partner AMD we are creating a new group of experts from all of the Formula One teams to optimise aerodynamic improvements and other changes to facilitate overtaking."

"Our message to the Formula One fans who have taken the time to complete this year's survey is very simple - thank you. We have listened to all your views and we are committed to working with the teams and the other Formula One stakeholders to help improve our sport for all involved."

The survey also showed that Michael Schumacher was the most popular driver, with Ferrari the most popular team.

The results of the driver support were:

Michael Schumacher 28%
Kimi Raikkonen 17%
Jenson Button 8%
Fernando Alonso 7%
David Coulthard 6%
Juan Pablo Montoya 5%
Jacques Villeneuve 4%
Mark Webber 3%
Takuma Sato 2%
Rubens Barrichello 1%
Giancarlo Fisichella 1%
Nick Heidfeld 1%
Tiago Monteiro 1%
Nico Rosberg 1%
Scott Speed 1%
Jarno Trulli 1%

The results of the team support were:

Ferrari 30%
McLaren Mercedes 21%
Renault F1 8%
WilliamsF1 8%
Honda Racing F1 6%
Red Bull Racing 4%
BMW Sauber F1 3%
Super Aguri F1 2%
Panasonic Toyota 1%

Well they're all morons. I don't watch F1 to watch aload of computerised cars drive around a track I watch it for racing. Bag of *beep*.

Ummm yeah launch control and traction control just get me all in a froth!