This bloke said to me, he said: "I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away." I said: "That's a bit far-fetched."

I'm amazed how many people go to Ascot when it's windy. Still, hats off to them.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Dot dot dot. Dash dash dash. I really regret that. Remorse code.

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people's heads in the sand.

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

I didn't have a happy upbringing, I remember my third birthday party. I was 15.

I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

I used to file my nails but then I thought: what's the point of keeping them?

Black beauty, he's a dark horse.

When I drive my car eggs shoot out of the back. It's a hatchback.

So I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in. He said: "Give me two Whoppers." I said: "You're good looking and your musicals are great."

You invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong.

So I was in the jungle and I saw this monkey with a tin-opener. I said "You don't need a tin-opener to peel a banana." He said: "I know, this is for the custard."

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life's too short.

I went to the head office of the RSPCA today. It's absolutely tiny. You couldn't swing a cat in there.

I said : "I can't decide whether to buy this bed or not." He said: "Do you want to sleep on it?" I said: "Of course I do."

Someone said to me that lemons were very sharp so I tried using one to care a turkey.

So I saw this dolphin serial killer. It was Jack the Flipper.

So I said to this bloke, I said: "When I was on holiday I stayed in a bed and breakfast." He said: "Half-board?" I said: "No. I was totally board."

I said to this bloke, I said "I'm going to North Africa." He said: "Tanzania?" I said: "If I don't wear a hat it'll tan both of them."

Did you know 30 per cent of car accidents in Sweden involve a moose? I say don't let them drive.

I had dinner at Uri Geller's house and I got soup all down my front.

I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said: "You are."

I've got a Christian mobile. It's pray as you go.

Nokia and the door will be opened.

So I went to the cinema and I saw a sad film. The bloke behind me suddenly started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.

So I was in my car and my boss rang up. He said: "You've been promoted," and I swerved. Then he rang up a second time and he said: "You've been promoted again," and I swerved again. Then he rang up a third time and he said: "You're managing director," and I went into a tree. The policeman came along and he said: "What happened to you?" I said: "I careered off the road."

I'm on a special diet. I only eat things with the word "special" in it. Special K, special fried rice and of course, Marks & Spencer's Strawberry cream sponge cake - Special offer

So I was down the street and this woman stopped me. She said: "Excuse me, have you washed your face with Imperial Leather soap?" I said: "Yeah, can you smell it?" She said: "No, you've got the little labeol on your forehead."

Did you know, you can't get a job as an airline pilot if your name is Jack? Because you walk into the cockpit and the co-pilot says: "Hi Jack," and everyone starts screaming.

You also can't get a job as an airline pilot if your name is Ivor Handgrenade.

I rang up the local rambler's club and this bloke went on and on.

Did you know the best-selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? It's flying off the shelves

So I went to the watch shop. I said: "I wanna buy a watch." He said: "Analogue?" I said, "No, just the watch."

A long time ago I said to my father: "I want to be a comedian." He said: "Practise in the bath." So I did and now I am on. He gave the same advice to my brother but unfortunately he wanted to be an electrician.

I was in this car wash and I started foaming at the mouth. I thought, I'm not having this, so I cycled out again.

He said: "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said: "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Whenever I get into bed I always think of France because my bedsprings go "Dordogne".

So I went to the local pub. I drank a bottle of wine and lost my Iphone. I got arrested for being drunk and disoranised.

Anger. It's all in the rage.

My favourite film is the Clint Eastwood classic Unforgiven. At the moment they're working on a sequel. It's called Look, I Said I'm Sorry.

So I went down the local video shop. I said: "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said: "He's not your type." I said:

"Can I have Batman Forever?" He siad: "No, you've got to bring it back tomorrow." I said: "What about Another 48 Hours?" He said "Tomorrow."

I was having dinner with chess champion Gary Kasparov and we had a black-and-white tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I find the hardest thing about voting with your feet is doing a handstand in the polling booth.

I'll tell you something that's worth its weight in gold - gold.

I used to be a deep-sea driver but I couldn't stand the pressure.

I went to the doctors and I said: "I think I picked up an infection when I went swimming. I've got a swelling under my shoulder." He said: "You're still wearing one of your own arm bands."

During the Second World War my grandfather couldn't stop scribbling. He got hit by the doodlebug.

Last week, my girlfriend went to a fancy dress competition wearing a dress made of glue. She couldn't pull it off.