When can I file a bug report with God?

US Military official 'happy song'

When you're happy and you know it bomb Iraq
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is far too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

A snail walked into a bar one new years eve, attracted the barmans attention and said...

"Can I have a pint please?"

The barman took one look at the poor creature, and immediately whisked him up in the palm of his hand , walked over to the door and threw him into the bushes!

Exactly a year late, on NYE, the same barman was working the bar when the same snail coughed, and attracted his attention.

"What did you do that for?" asked the snail!

Ahem. My personal favourite.

A boy was born, a long time ago, as JUST a head. Nothing else, his head was his whole body.

Now, on this boy's 18th birthday his dad took him to the pub. He had a pint, and two arms popped out. Another pint and two legs appeared. And so on and so on until eventually, he was a fully grown, ordinary looking bloke.

Just after this, he walked out onto the road and was run over by a lorry. His father said, "He should've quit while he was ahead".

Sorry, people. Refunds available at the door.

Love it Daniel

It was his previous bithdays and christmas that i felt sorry for him!

Imagine it....... 'not another bloody hat!'

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


You're going to love this..................



You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............




'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her
they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said,
so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and
told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked, 'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy thingy.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the Bxxxxy darts team hadn't'!

Just thought that I would like to post a good joke

Why did the skeleton not go to the Christmas party?

Because he had no body to go with.

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those
who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He
studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb
the
corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for
his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he
gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion..'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the
congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed.
He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday was two
weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a
brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Poker Face.

I saw that on Perez Hiltons Twitter.

What's your username?

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car dealership...

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his grey hair 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the A69, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then

130mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a nice day, Sir,' said the policeman.

A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'


'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?

One sunny morning, a 62 year old farmer summoned his apprentice son to collect some hay from the store, 2 miles away.He was told the trip should take no more than 50 minutes, but he gave him his Mobile just in case something happened. The apprentice got into his tractor and set off.

1 hour later, the Father was beginning to wonder where he was when the phone went off. He answered, and the apprentice was there.

''Hello'', said his son, ''I've got the hay, but I've run over a pig.''. The father said ''oh well, it does happen. Just drive away''. The the son said ''He is kicking and squealing. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me''.

The father, sounding concerned, said ''Oh, in that case, look underneath the seat of the tractor. I keep an M1 Carbine there. Fire at the pig 3 times to kill it''. His son did just that, killing the pig instatly.

2 hours later, his concerned father phoned him this time. ''Son, where are you? Did shot the pig didn't you?''

''Yes'', replied his son, ''but his motorbike is still stuck under my Tractor''.

You won't have heard this one before because I made it up (you'd never tell)...

What did the owl say to four half-wits chatting up a girl?

Here's another joke I invented...

Why was everyone surprised when Black Beauty won the race?