they are brilliant! xxxxx

Mine are terrible!

And here's one to prove it



What is a gay's favourite song?

Diana Ross - I'm Coming Out

No, a gay's favourite song is "Does Your Mother Know" by ABBA!

If you don't have Vista, you can turn your XP box into a Vista simulator. Just turn on all the flashy crap in XP, change the background image, take some memory out of your box and clock down the CPU. Then break Media Player. Works like a charm.

^^^
As a Mac user that's the best thing I've ever heard.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I backed a horse today at 20 to 1. It came in at twenty past four

I slept like a log last night; I woke up in the fireplace

A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've broke my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go to those places."

These jokes are from Tommy Cooper

The BBC.

Can't beat a bit of satire.

Four functions are sitting in a bar, chatting about their nicely curved bodies.

Suddenly, one of them cries "Quick! Hide! Derivation is coming!" and three of the four functions immediately hide behind the bar.

Upon approaching the fourth function, The Derivation queries "why aren't you scared? I'm Derivation!!" to which the function replies "I don't fear you, I'm e to the x!".

The Derivation thinks for a moment, and menacingly replies "who says I differentiate along x?"

Yugoslavia/Serbia is like Nokia - a new model every year and it's always smaller.

Computer marketing blurb translated:

Reading the Advertising blurb for a product which may suit your needs, you notice the phrase: "Runs on most PC Compatibles". This means: doesn't run.

In the same blurb you see: "Developed by a highly skilled team of programmers". The skills we were talking about were Juggling and Morris Dancing.

You also notice that it claims to be "fully compatible with international standards". This means that it adheres to one or two standards, but mostly it means the wrapper wil adhere to your foot if you stand on it.

Finally the brochure mentions "Fully Manned Personal Worldwide Support", which really means they've hired one full man for 24hr support. And by 'full' they mean 'drunk'. And he only speaks Hindi.

The accompanying Company Propaganda claims that they are experts in the "Fully Fault Tolerant" field. That means they know about the faults their software has, and they tolerate them.

The Company Profile also mentions that they're "Firmly based in Silicon Valley", i.e. it was a typo, it should say 'Silicon Alley', they back on to a TV repair shop.

It says down the bottom of the page in Huge, emboldened letters, that the software is Completely Free! Did they mention you have to sign up for 24 months? But the main translation of 'Completely Free' is PANTS DOWN and BEND OVER, HERE COMES THE RED HOT SPIKE!!

"Contact us now and we'll get someone to call you". This means they know your name, they know where you work and live, and they're calling Readers Digest.

"Can your business afford to pass up this Opportunity?"
To ring the Armed Response Unit to inform them that a man wearing a "I hate Western Civilisation" badge, and carrying a large ticking parcel, mumbling to himself that "The Capitalist Pig Dogs will never take me alive", etc. No.

"For More information please put your name and address here". This means that the guy who works near you will get a lot of mail soon.

Don't send any more aid to Africa, they don't want it...

A group of Burnley fans tried and just got it thrown back at them.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman : I froze to death.

2nd woman : How horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman : So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

A Cure For Snoring


Six blokes go on a hunting trip.

Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

Then he sat up and watched me all night.'

Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked
very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the
plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was
a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it had levelled out, the agent said,
'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, ' Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab
sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'

I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he
asked the agent, 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007




The last one is a worthy winner.

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.






5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'


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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


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2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Love that last one!!!

Thats good, the last one.

Oh, is this a Jokes thread? Then I have my best yet.

Big-Davey.