"After getting all of the Pope Benedict's luggage (and he does not travel light) into the hired limo, Paddy ( the limo driver) notices that the Pope,on his visit to New York, is still standing on the kerb
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says Paddy, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive in New York"
"I'm sorry, Your Holines, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests Paddy, wishing he'd never was booked for this job.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, Paddy gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. Paddy quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 140mph.........( Remember the Pope is German.....Autobahn).

",Please, please, please slow down, Holiness!" pleads the now distraught Paddy, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metaluntil they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!" moans Paddy.
The Pope screeces to a halt and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but officer Murphy takes one look at him,goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" says Murphy to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radioand officer Murphy tells him that he's stopped a limo going 140 mph. " So burst him," says the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that , he's really important," says Murphy.
The Chief exclaimed , " All the more reason!"
No, I mean REALLY important." replies Murphy with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, " Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Murphy; " Bigger"
Chief: " A senator?"
Murphy: " Bigger.
Chief: " The President?"
Murphy: " Bigger"
"Well ," said the Chief, who is it?"
Murphy: "I think it is God!"
The Chief is by now even more puzzled and curious, " What makes you think it's God?"
Murphy:" It is the Pope who is driving the limo!"

"After getting all of the Pope Benedict's luggage (and he does not travel light) into the hired limo, Paddy ( the limo driver) notices that the Pope,on his visit to New York, is still standing on the kerb
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says Paddy, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive in New York"
"I'm sorry, Your Holines, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests Paddy, wishing he'd never was booked for this job.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, Paddy gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. Paddy quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 140mph.........( Remember the Pope is German.....Autobahn).

",Please, please, please slow down, Holiness!" pleads the now distraught Paddy, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metaluntil they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!" moans Paddy.
The Pope screeces to a halt and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but officer Murphy takes one look at him,goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" says Murphy to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radioand officer Murphy tells him that he's stopped a limo going 140 mph. " So burst him," says the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that , he's really important," says Murphy.
The Chief exclaimed , " All the more reason!"
No, I mean REALLY important." replies Murphy with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, " Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Murphy; " Bigger"
Chief: " A senator?"
Murphy: " Bigger.
Chief: " The President?"
Murphy: " Bigger"
"Well ," said the Chief, who is it?"
Murphy: "I think it is God!"
The Chief is by now even more puzzled and curious, " What makes you think it's God?"
Murphy:" Well it must be, the Pope's driving him around!"

"After getting all of the Pope Benedict's luggage (and he does not travel light) into the hired limo, Paddy ( the limo driver) notices that the Pope,on his visit to New York, is still standing on the kerb
"Excuse me, Your Holiness" says Paddy, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive in New York"
"I'm sorry, Your Holines, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests Paddy, wishing he'd never was booked for this job.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, Paddy gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. Paddy quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 140mph.........( Remember the Pope is German.....Autobahn).

",Please, please, please slow down, Holiness!" pleads the now distraught Paddy, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metaluntil they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!" moans Paddy.
The Pope screeces to a halt and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but officer Murphy takes one look at him,goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" says Murphy to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radioand officer Murphy tells him that he's stopped a limo going 140 mph. " So burst him," says the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that , he's really important," says Murphy.
The Chief exclaimed , " All the more reason!"
No, I mean REALLY important." replies Murphy with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, " Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Murphy; " Bigger"
Chief: " A senator?"
Murphy: " Bigger.
Chief: " The President?"
Murphy: " Bigger"
"Well ," said the Chief, who is it?"
Murphy: "I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

This bloke said to me, he said: "I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away." I said: "That's a bit far-fetched."

I'm amazed how many people go to Ascot when it's windy. Still, hats off to them.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Dot dot dot. Dash dash dash. I really regret that. Remorse code.

So I saw this bloke who was a cross between an ostrich and a serial killer. He was always burying other people's heads in the sand.

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

I didn't have a happy upbringing, I remember my third birthday party. I was 15.

I saw a coconut-flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.

I used to file my nails but then I thought: what's the point of keeping them?

Black beauty, he's a dark horse.

When I drive my car eggs shoot out of the back. It's a hatchback.

So I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in. He said: "Give me two Whoppers." I said: "You're good looking and your musicals are great."

You invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong.

So I was in the jungle and I saw this monkey with a tin-opener. I said "You don't need a tin-opener to peel a banana." He said: "I know, this is for the custard."

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life's too short.

I went to the head office of the RSPCA today. It's absolutely tiny. You couldn't swing a cat in there.

I said : "I can't decide whether to buy this bed or not." He said: "Do you want to sleep on it?" I said: "Of course I do."

Someone said to me that lemons were very sharp so I tried using one to care a turkey.

So I saw this dolphin serial killer. It was Jack the Flipper.

So I said to this bloke, I said: "When I was on holiday I stayed in a bed and breakfast." He said: "Half-board?" I said: "No. I was totally board."

I said to this bloke, I said "I'm going to North Africa." He said: "Tanzania?" I said: "If I don't wear a hat it'll tan both of them."

Did you know 30 per cent of car accidents in Sweden involve a moose? I say don't let them drive.

I had dinner at Uri Geller's house and I got soup all down my front.

I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said: "You are."

I've got a Christian mobile. It's pray as you go.

Nokia and the door will be opened.

So I went to the cinema and I saw a sad film. The bloke behind me suddenly started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.

So I was in my car and my boss rang up. He said: "You've been promoted," and I swerved. Then he rang up a second time and he said: "You've been promoted again," and I swerved again. Then he rang up a third time and he said: "You're managing director," and I went into a tree. The policeman came along and he said: "What happened to you?" I said: "I careered off the road."

I'm on a special diet. I only eat things with the word "special" in it. Special K, special fried rice and of course, Marks & Spencer's Strawberry cream sponge cake - Special offer

So I was down the street and this woman stopped me. She said: "Excuse me, have you washed your face with Imperial Leather soap?" I said: "Yeah, can you smell it?" She said: "No, you've got the little labeol on your forehead."

Did you know, you can't get a job as an airline pilot if your name is Jack? Because you walk into the cockpit and the co-pilot says: "Hi Jack," and everyone starts screaming.

You also can't get a job as an airline pilot if your name is Ivor Handgrenade.

I rang up the local rambler's club and this bloke went on and on.

Did you know the best-selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? It's flying off the shelves

So I went to the watch shop. I said: "I wanna buy a watch." He said: "Analogue?" I said, "No, just the watch."

A long time ago I said to my father: "I want to be a comedian." He said: "Practise in the bath." So I did and now I am on. He gave the same advice to my brother but unfortunately he wanted to be an electrician.

I was in this car wash and I started foaming at the mouth. I thought, I'm not having this, so I cycled out again.

He said: "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said: "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Whenever I get into bed I always think of France because my bedsprings go "Dordogne".

So I went to the local pub. I drank a bottle of wine and lost my Iphone. I got arrested for being drunk and disoranised.

Anger. It's all in the rage.

My favourite film is the Clint Eastwood classic Unforgiven. At the moment they're working on a sequel. It's called Look, I Said I'm Sorry.

So I went down the local video shop. I said: "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said: "He's not your type." I said:

"Can I have Batman Forever?" He siad: "No, you've got to bring it back tomorrow." I said: "What about Another 48 Hours?" He said "Tomorrow."

I was having dinner with chess champion Gary Kasparov and we had a black-and-white tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I find the hardest thing about voting with your feet is doing a handstand in the polling booth.

I'll tell you something that's worth its weight in gold - gold.

I used to be a deep-sea driver but I couldn't stand the pressure.

I went to the doctors and I said: "I think I picked up an infection when I went swimming. I've got a swelling under my shoulder." He said: "You're still wearing one of your own arm bands."

During the Second World War my grandfather couldn't stop scribbling. He got hit by the doodlebug.

Last week, my girlfriend went to a fancy dress competition wearing a dress made of glue. She couldn't pull it off.