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albolton

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 6:35 pm    Author: albolton    Post subject: Post your favourite jokes

Joined: Sat May 27, 2006 5:39 pm
Location: Bolton
Warnings: 0
Post your best jokes her (none too rude!!!) ;-)

Here's mine: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef!

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#1 Box 4 fan

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:31 pm    Author: #1 Box 4 fan    Post subject:
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Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2006 3:55 am
Location: Wells, Somerset
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Little Britain being called a comedy. That's my favourite joke.

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Resident-Seven

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:54 pm    Author: Resident-Seven    Post subject:
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Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 2:04 am
Location: Australia
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I can never think of a funny "clean" joke when I need one.


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Ciara

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:06 pm    Author: Ciara    Post subject:
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Joined: Mon May 22, 2006 6:27 pm
Location: Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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albolton

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:16 pm    Author: albolton    Post subject:

Joined: Sat May 27, 2006 5:39 pm
Location: Bolton
Warnings: 0
Brilliant joke, Ciara!!!

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Ciara

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:23 pm    Author: Ciara    Post subject:
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Joined: Mon May 22, 2006 6:27 pm
Location: Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky
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I've read it countless times now and I still laugh, despite knowing what's coming!! I love silly jokes like that. I'll try and think of some more.

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Ciara

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 8:39 pm    Author: Ciara    Post subject:
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Joined: Mon May 22, 2006 6:27 pm
Location: Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky
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Why did the scarecrow get a bonus from his boss?
Because he was out standing in his field.

Q: How does the Pope cover his Ebay debts?
A: Papal

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Resident-Seven

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:01 pm    Author: Resident-Seven    Post subject:
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Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 2:04 am
Location: Australia
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I though that joke was going to end with the drunk talking to a mirrored wall at the end of the bar.


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seanyuk85

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:51 pm    Author: seanyuk85    Post subject:

Joined: Tue May 23, 2006 8:35 pm
Location: Bridlington
Warnings: 0
a horse trots into a pub and sits by the bar

the barman says: Why the long face!!!!!!

ok twas bad but oh well ill make up for it with a funny limerick


There once was a man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
broke his c*ck
and now shes got a v*gina

enjoy!!!

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Maud

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:52 pm    Author: Maud    Post subject:
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Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:15 pm
Location: In my Bush drinking Odka
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seanyuk85 wrote:
a horse trots into a pub and sits by the bar

the barman says: Why the long face!!!!!!

ok twas bad but oh well ill make up for it with a funny limerick


There once was a man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
broke his c*ck
and now shes got a v*gina

enjoy!!!


I love the last one... im crying here

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seanyuk85

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:57 pm    Author: seanyuk85    Post subject:

Joined: Tue May 23, 2006 8:35 pm
Location: Bridlington
Warnings: 0
came up with it in year 8 altho i just have heard it somewher before because even im not that brilliant

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Maud

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 11:58 pm    Author: Maud    Post subject:
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Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:15 pm
Location: In my Bush drinking Odka
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Whats pink, wrinkled and hard?

A pig with a flicknife

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seanyuk85

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 12:10 am    Author: seanyuk85    Post subject:

Joined: Tue May 23, 2006 8:35 pm
Location: Bridlington
Warnings: 0
like it

heres a bit of a dirty joke


A farmer and his wife are in the back garden having a drink before going to bed when lo and behold an alien ship lands right in their back yard.

an alien and his wife get out and declare that they are intergalactic swingers and would like to trade partners for a night of passion.

the farmer and his wife who are also swingers agree and off they go.
The farmers wife and the alien are about to make love when the alien says to the wife "whilst we are sh*gging twist my right ear to make my willy longer and my left ear to make it thicker, after hearing this the farmers wife is estatic and has the best sex of her life.

The next morning the aliens leave and the farmer and his nwife discuss their lovers for the night the wife starts by saying the sex was the best she had to which the farmer replied
"mine was crap she just kept twisting my ears"

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Martin259

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:43 pm    Author: Martin259    Post subject:

Joined: Sun May 21, 2006 7:34 pm
Location: Blackpool
Warnings: 0
nick wrote:
Little Britain being called a comedy. That's my favourite joke.


Good :lol:

A man was caught in a flood and a boat came along to resuce him but he said "No the lord will save me". 1 hr later another boat came along but he said, "no the lord will save me". Eventually a helicopter came along but he waved to them shouting "No the lord will save me". Unfortunaly (Not in my opinon) the man drowed and at the gates of heaven he asked saint Peter,"Why didnt the lord save me" and ST. peter replied, "For Crying out loud he sent ya 2 boats and a helicopter, what more do u want???"


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"The Banker"

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:57 pm    Author: "The Banker"    Post subject:

Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2006 1:24 am
Warnings: 0
CIA Training

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day
the husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 30, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!


An Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

Boat Speech

A boat crashed in the middle of the sea and there were about 8 men and 1 woman on the boat, when the rescue helicopter came to rescue them they noticed that it could not hold all of them, now they had already started climbing the rope to get to the helicopter and they were all on that rope, so they decided to argue over who was going to stay behind. After a short while the 1 woman got annoyed with all them men arguing so she gave a very lovely speech on how she would be willing to stay behind because women are always risking their lives for men, when she finished the speech all the men gave her a rather large applause.

Money

The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter:

Dear Mom and Dad:

Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!

But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.

Love
Your $on


After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:

Dear Son:

NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing NOble.

Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left.

Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.

Have to go NOw.

Mom & Dad

Wow this must be my longest post ever! :shock:

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naughty10382

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:11 pm    Author: naughty10382    Post subject:
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Joined: Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:53 am
Warnings: 0
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says,"A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back,what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
it's worth it
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
Mixin'-me-toasties".


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Ciara

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:18 pm    Author: Ciara    Post subject:
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Joined: Mon May 22, 2006 6:27 pm
Location: Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky
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:lol: :lol:

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Ciara

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:30 pm    Author: Ciara    Post subject:
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Joined: Mon May 22, 2006 6:27 pm
Location: Caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads:

"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - " This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Francis.
If I catch you, you're mine..."

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NoelsBi-Atch

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:37 pm    Author: NoelsBi-Atch    Post subject:
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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2006 8:01 pm
Location: Swindon
Warnings: 0
Just received this one so it's my fave today:

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President G. W. Bush this morning.

He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

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Resident-Seven

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:07 pm    Author: Resident-Seven    Post subject:
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Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 2:04 am
Location: Australia
Warnings: 0
That's not funny, it's just sad because it's so true.

I loved that email one. Classic.


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