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psychokiller

PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:45 pm    Author: psychokiller    Post subject: 21/02/2018 - 'Lovely' Rita
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Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:42 am
Location: UK
Warnings: 0
NOEL: So, lovely Rita.. The Banker is excited at the prospect of giving you a right good spanking!

RITA: OOO, gerroff!!

(It's been 90 minutes since 'lovely' Rita was gently led into the studio by Noel after she was charmingly apprehended waiting for the bus to Marks and Spencers. No boxes have been opened, she's not yet picked her own box at random, the 'Carry On' dialogue chatter looks no nearer to finishing. Rita is 106 years old and looks every yard of it.)

RITA: I think I will choose my box now... hmm... I'll plump for that one there! Box No.12

NOEL: Oo-err, don't go using ''plump'' when talking to The Banker, might offend his little socks.

RITA: I don't mind if he's a bit plump, if you catch my drift!

(Aren't you f*cking glad this sh*t isn't being televised anymore?)

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daniel123

PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 11:43 pm    Author: daniel123    Post subject: Re: 21/02/2018 - 'Lovely' Rita
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Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2006 11:59 am
Location: Earth. I think...
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Presently, a bolt of lightning strikes THE DREAM FACTORY. Noel Edmonds has shapeshifted into the oldest human to ever live, BRUCE FORSYTH.

Welcome to the FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK AT 10.28PM YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!!! :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: ;) ;) ;)

Er, the commercial break.

BRUCE: Shall we have a song and a dance?
VOICE OF ALAN DEDICOAT: Rita, come on down!
Strobe lights induce Rita into an epileptic fit; when they stop and she comes round, BRUCE is hovering mid-air over her prune-skinned body. BRUCE smiles at Rita, staring longingly into her eyes, blissfully unaware that Rita cannot actually see who the blurry blob of chin above her is. He doesn't need to know.

RITA: [voice trembling in surprise and excitement] Wha--what's going on?! Who are you?
BRUCE: Rita, welcome to Bruce's Deal or No Deal! Will you take this dance? And now - thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen -
RITA: But there's nobody here!
BRUCE: Shut up.

BRUCE: [sings, pleasant music plays] How do you like your eggs in the morning?
RITA: I don't like eggs.
BRUCE: I---well, OK, alright, you have it that way if you want, we'll just have to think of another one...
RITA: But you asked me how I like my eggs, and I said---
BRUCE: If I knew you were coming, I'd have....come on Rita, you can do it, nice and gently, easy does it, finish me off! [He gestures wildly for Rita to finish him off] If I knew you were coming, I'd have ---
RITA: ...locked the gate.
BRUCE: Right, that's it, I've had enough of this *beep*! Who's that over there laughing, Chris Eubank, when did you get off the banana boat this morning, eh? Eh?

RITA: Chris Eubank? I heard he's just written a book about Ethics, and if it sells, he's going to write one about Kent as well.
BRUCE: [erupts in a fit of blind rage and spontaneous self-combustion, leaving in his wake only a three-foot-by-nine-foot triangular life-sized lump of brie made by the local farmer in honour of his chin].

RITA gasps in surprise. The BACK DOOR opens wide, and as if by magic, NOEL EDMONDS reappears.

_________________
Daniel123 - 81st member of the Pat M fan club. Last remaining member of the 'Class of 2006'.

It's...it's terribly quiet. It's a ghost town. It's desolate as you say.

All of us who were once part of the furniture, once stalwarts of the grand and extravagant, exuberant and thriving forum...have receded back into the walls, still barely visible, still here as poignant, reminding relics of an era gone by...but most of us have vanished, forever immersed in the mists of time.

(Yes, I have a quote from myself as my signature (or sig, as we used to say). Eleven years later, some things never change)


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psychokiller

PostPosted: Thu Feb 22, 2018 1:57 am    Author: psychokiller    Post subject: Re: 21/02/2018 - 'Lovely' Rita
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Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:42 am
Location: UK
Warnings: 0
NOEL: First box, what'll it be?

RITA: What just happened there, love? Bruce... I thought he was dead...

NOEL: You need to make your first selection, darling, otherwise The Banker will think you're a bit slow.

RITA: He was here, he was right here, getting all angry. Is he ok?

NOEL: The Banker is never too old to take things quickly, Rita!

RITA: ...

Noel: So come on, first box in your game.

RITA: Where did Bruce go?

NOEL: Box 22? Ok, let's start proceedings with Box 22, the death box as they say!

RITA: I was sure he was dead... it was in my copy of the Daily Express.

(Noel opens Box 22 to reveal Bruce Forsyth's severed head)

RITA: AHHHHHHHHH

NOEL: Not this again... bear with me, darling-

RITA: AHHHHHHHHH

NOEL: If you'd just... nothing to worry, about, the value will be stuck to the bottom of the box somewhere-

RITA: HE'S DEAD

(Noel prises the well chin endowed entertainment legend's head from the box and tosses it towards Rita, much to her absolutely overwhelming astonishment the head lands directly into her lap)

RITA: AHHHHH

NOEL: Here's the value *lifts a piece of crudely scribbled A4 paper* it's £10,000.

(Rita is frozen in numb horror at Bruce's lifeless eyes boring into her aged soul)

NOEL: Not the worst start, Rita. Chin up!

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daniel123

PostPosted: Thu Feb 22, 2018 4:33 am    Author: daniel123    Post subject: Re: 21/02/2018 - 'Lovely' Rita
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Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2006 11:59 am
Location: Earth. I think...
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I'm sorry, I've got to break character for a moment here, that is just brilliance. I'm going to get on the bus tomorrow going into town, there'll be an ancient old sod sat in the backwards-facing seat as there always is, and he's going to look directly into my heart and I'm going to think of this and laugh uncontrollably until he has sucked the last ounce of life from me and received for himself the quickening.

Anyway -

Shown below is an artist's rendition of the opening of box 22 by Noel Edmonds. Breaking from tradition, the portrayal of Noel Edmonds in this image is not to scale but is, in fact, lifesize.

Image

NOEL: 'Did I tell you we write the box amounts in Wingdings? You can read Wingdings alright, can't you, darling?'
RITA: 'What? I'm deaf in that ear, love, I can't hear---'
NOEL: [runs over to Rita and screams at her] 'CAN YOU READ WINGDINGS?'
RITA: 'I think you should see your doctor, love, if you're getting those...'

_________________
Daniel123 - 81st member of the Pat M fan club. Last remaining member of the 'Class of 2006'.

It's...it's terribly quiet. It's a ghost town. It's desolate as you say.

All of us who were once part of the furniture, once stalwarts of the grand and extravagant, exuberant and thriving forum...have receded back into the walls, still barely visible, still here as poignant, reminding relics of an era gone by...but most of us have vanished, forever immersed in the mists of time.

(Yes, I have a quote from myself as my signature (or sig, as we used to say). Eleven years later, some things never change)


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