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psychokiller

PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 2:14 am    Author: psychokiller    Post subject: 19/02/2018 - Lee
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Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:42 am
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(The opening credits roll. They appear suspiciously to be played from a slightly careworn VHS tape, which is being transmitted via a time ousted Samsung TV located to the back of the studio. This 'studio' is set inside the grounds of a very genuinely abandoned factory in just the slightly wrong side of town. Noel Edmonds is being mindful of keeping quiet, the area is patrolled by a guard + dog infrequently, but not infrequetly enough for his comfort. Inside the 'studio' are a set of four school canteen tables pushed together on one side and another unit of four on the other side. On top of these lie 22 boxes, 11 on the left side, 11 on the right side. They consist mainly of old shoeboxes, though a suspiciously big, 'TV' sized box etched with the words 'Samsung' sticks out like a johnson on Viagra. Between the tables of boxes is a whiteboard, bearing marks of frequent and careless rubbings out, with the DOND values written in poor handwriting across it. Noel turns to face the Panasonic camcorder, which appears to be switched off having developed a lens fault in 1996, and addresses the nation)

NOEL: Hello and welcome to the dream factory. Yesterday we had lovely Linda sitting here, bless her, lovely lady, and she went away with only 50p. Twist is, and boy is my face red, it's the same 50p she arrived with! The boxes hadn't been loaded. We should have realised this after the first few boxes, but we ploughed on anyway, waste of time for all concerned. An oversight for which I apologise for. Now, let's find out who'll be chasing their dreams at the hand of a crusty old banker today.

(Noel exits the 'studio' and runs out into the street, Cheggars on Big Breakfast style, to find a willing participant. Eventually, he encounters LEE, who's making his way home with an indian takeaway wrapped with care inside a carrier bag)

NOEL: Hello! Your name, sir?

LEE: Are you... I mean... it is you? Noel Edmonds! You ok, lad?

NOEL: I'm very well, thank you. If I could just have your name?

LEE: Heh, well, it's Lee, what is-

NOEL: Lucky Lee! It's your turn to take the walk of wealth!

LEE: Ey? You alright, mate?

NOEL: Never been better, now come on! The Banker is looking forward to your game.

LEE: You've lost the plot now, mate

(Noel grabs him by the arm and with nary a word of protest, Lee is dragged across the rainy streets of Sudbury, takeaway in one hand and a take-away in the other. Clandestinely, he's led over the studio's forecourt and into the warmth of the dream factory)

NOEL: if you could take a seat, sir, and I'll tell the nation a little bit about yourself

LEE: Can I pop my takeaway on the table?

NOEL: Yeah, sure mate

LEE: Cheers. Peckish, I am.

NOEL: Ohh, but you can't eat it now!

LEE: You what?? I'm hungry, mate, paid a fiver for that.

NOEL: So, you are Lee, a.... *through clenched teeth* help me out here, mate

LEE: I'm... erm, Lee Stocker from... well, just 'round the corner over there, next to the co-op. I work as a roofer and was right now on my way home to tuck into my chicken dhansak when... you turned up and... dragged me here to play (?) Deal or.. no deal?

NOEL: I ask that question, you prick.

LEE: Oh. Sorry, pal.

NOEL: It's ok ...just don't ever do that again. NOW I need you to confirm that you'll be choosing a box at random before this game begins.

LEE: ...yeah, sure, ok, erm... can I have that one, there. Don't know the number, it's...

(Noel looks furious)

NOEL: No you can't! It's, erm, I mean it's just a bit damaged-

LEE: But they all look like that to me! That one hasn't even got a lid! And look at that one *points to the Samsung TV box* you haven't even shut the lid on that one! I can see the value, it's £100,000. *Smirk emerges* so I'll have that one, please!

(Noel is incandescent with rage)

NOEL: I'm sorry, Lee, you can't have that one. It's value has been revealed and so the box is void.

LEE: What?? It wasn't revealed at all, you never shut the lid, it was exposed the whole time, you passe throwback to an allegation tainted three-channel age.

NOEL: That's besides the point, we know the contents of this box so it is no longer in play.

LEE: That's ridiculous! Ok, fine, whatever, I'll have my original choice of box then-

NOEL: No you most certainly will not.

LEE: Oh FFS that's just ridiculous, why not?? That's obviously the £250,000 box.

NOEL: WILL YOU JUST CHOOSE A DIFFERENT BOX!

LEE: ok... the one next to it, then!

(Noel hops over with glee and his face beams as he brings the box back to the table. Lee's face is a picture, exasperation filled)

LEE: That's just stupid, that's obviously one of them, you know... one of them sh*te ones. Penny or something.

NOEL: This box was sealed by an independent adjudicator and is the only-

LEE: No it wasn't! It was you! You did it!

(Noel clenches teeth)

NOEL: -and is the ONLY person who knows where the money is.

LEE: It's you! You did them boxes! My takeaway's getting cold now, mate.

NOEL: Lee.... you're only here once. Good luck!

(Lee opens up his carrier bag that contains his cooling dhansak)

LEE: Starving, pal, sorry. And I'll just say now that I'll be leaving that box *points to his original selection* 'til the end and swapping for it. Ok?

(Noel looks displeased)

NOEL: First box, what'll it be?

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daniel123

PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 9:59 pm    Author: daniel123    Post subject: Re: 19/02/2018 - Lee
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Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2006 11:59 am
Location: Earth. I think...
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DEAL IS BACK! YAY! HE HAD £3,000 £15,000 £500 LAST THREE GAMES OPW TBW OBW TPW OPL BASICASIC WAKEYIST ABR AMO INCREDIBLY CAUTIOUS DEAL SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE *BANG*

We are gathered here to remember Mark the Bright Spark and W.ankerSpanker...

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Daniel123 - 81st member of the Pat M fan club. Last remaining member of the 'Class of 2006'.

It's...it's terribly quiet. It's a ghost town. It's desolate as you say.

All of us who were once part of the furniture, once stalwarts of the grand and extravagant, exuberant and thriving forum...have receded back into the walls, still barely visible, still here as poignant, reminding relics of an era gone by...but most of us have vanished, forever immersed in the mists of time.

(Yes, I have a quote from myself as my signature (or sig, as we used to say). Eleven years later, some things never change)


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psychokiller

PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 10:56 pm    Author: psychokiller    Post subject: Re: 19/02/2018 - Lee
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Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:42 am
Location: UK
Warnings: 0
ROUND ONE

LEE: Well, ok, just before I pick a box, can I just ask what we’re meant to do now you voided one of the boxes? When I used to watch this show at my mate Gaz’s house about 15 years ago, I remember that the first round was five boxes, so-

NOEL: So what? Why are you telling me this?

LEE: Well, how about four boxes? Then we can get back in sync for the rest of this game… whatever the hell it is you’re doing, barm cake…

NOEL: I’ll make the rules around here, mate. It’s my show.

LEE: There’s another thing I remember, you used to tell the player that Channel 4 was all theirs. Granted, this may not be… Channel 4-

NOEL: Yes it is.

LEE:… right, cool.

NOEL: Four boxes?

LEE: Would seem reasonable and straight forward.

NOEL: Very well. First box, what’ll it be?

LEE: How did you leave the lid open on that one? Does this come out of your pocket? I’d assumed you just wanted company, but the way you reacted to me choosing the jackpot box means-

NOEL: There’s no way of knowing the contents of these boxes.

LEE: Well, yes, there clearly is, I saw the fear in your eyes when I chose that bloody JD Sports shoebox.

NOEL: FIRST box, what’ll it be?

LEE: Wish I’d got my phone on me, this is madness right here. Right, F it, erm, I’ll have that one… that Clarks one… what the hell is that one?

NOEL: Box No.6

LEE: I’ve not seen a 6 written like that before.

NOEL: LET’S FIND out what the contents of Box No.6 are-

LEE: ‘6’… Jesus wept. That’s how he draws a ‘6’…

NOEL: You try writing with repetitive strain injury, dickhead.

LEE: Mate you’re on glue, here.

NOEL: I know, I couldn’t find any easier way of sealing the boxes. That’s why that one over there *points to some indiscernible brown box, looks as though it might have housed Bordeaux Rose wine bottles at some point* hasn’t got its lid. Overdid that one.

LEE: Not the only thing you’ve overdone here...

(Noel hacks his way into Box No.6, ripping away just a little bit more cardboard than the time before)

NOEL: uch… *beep*… it’s-

LEE: I can see that from here, £5, happy days.

NOEL: No no no, it’s 50p, look.

LEE: (scrutinises the crudely written label, torn off from a sheet of A4 paper) ok… from now on, it it’s blue, I’ll just take your word for it. When it comes to reds, I’ll be checking for myself.

NOEL: I will ascertain the values of each randomly filled box.

LEE: you did it. My second box *scans around* will be…. Box No…. 10?

NOEL: Lee chooses Box.10, let’s see if he can follow up that blue with a further blue.

LEE: I’m surprised you shop at Clarks, mate

(Noel tears open Box.10, revealing…)

NOEL:… £1! Great start, Lee!

LEE: *lips smacking, mouth full* ahh, nice one, making a start on this takeaway now, though, if you don't mind.

(Noel looks furious)

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daniel123

PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 3:05 am    Author: daniel123    Post subject: Re: 19/02/2018 - Lee
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Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2006 11:59 am
Location: Earth. I think...
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As if by magic, THE PILGRIMS appear.

'That chicken's been sat in that plastic container for so long it's bloody radioactive green!', exclaims Christopher Columbus. He watches in awe as Lee devours it anyway.

_________________
Daniel123 - 81st member of the Pat M fan club. Last remaining member of the 'Class of 2006'.

It's...it's terribly quiet. It's a ghost town. It's desolate as you say.

All of us who were once part of the furniture, once stalwarts of the grand and extravagant, exuberant and thriving forum...have receded back into the walls, still barely visible, still here as poignant, reminding relics of an era gone by...but most of us have vanished, forever immersed in the mists of time.

(Yes, I have a quote from myself as my signature (or sig, as we used to say). Eleven years later, some things never change)


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psychokiller

PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:33 pm    Author: psychokiller    Post subject: Re: 19/02/2018 - Lee
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Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:42 am
Location: UK
Warnings: 0
The game was curtailed when Lee died of food poisoning midway. Noel finds the grim coincidence of having two participants in one of his shows die during production through no immediate fault of his own that he goes into exile. Again.

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