Twenty-two boxes. A quarter of a million pounds. And just one question.

Why haven't I watched Sunday night's Miljoenenjacht yet?

Going to try and provide a witty commentary today seeing as cfd's has gone over pretty well here. If the game's half as ridiculous as that Hollyoaks trailer it won't be hard to fire up the mockery.

ShirtWatch: a floral number in the colour the high blues used to appear on the board. I forget when that changed.

It's amazing how little they've changed the set for the HD era isn't it? A bigger change is the replay, and we get a clip of the entire buildup to Tommy's box-opening.

CHARLIE is coming. Noel hopes he's not to bring anything to the table. He doesn't.

Charlie Sheldon. Noel thinks it's the third game for Olly Murs at first. It's not, he's a firefighter, the most well-worn trope in DoND history. And it all started when one player got £35k thanks to six rubbish offers.

Charlie has a story about auditions. Something to do with "Colin" and knocking him off. He's in a plastic bag. "He must be shattered not to be here." Must be a trinket of some sort.

He's from Falkirk but there's a discussion here with someone about gardening that frankly I'm glad I missed half of.

We're here for the game, and now it's beginning. Noel is glad there's no superstition, and so am I.

Missed his box amongst all that... oh it's number 16.

HERE WE GO!

Perfect way to start the game, 1p

...and that is what he had yesterday.

ROUND ONE

18 is significant apparently.

Box 9 (Hardik) - 1p

Playing the celebration music when the penny drops will never grow on me. It will, however, make me want everyone to deal with it still in play every time I watch the show live.

Box 1 (Natalie) - £20,000

She had the jackpot the first two games this week, which was obviously mentioned.

Chan's next, he was put under a curfew. And his dinner had a note "If you are looking for the Banker, I am the only one who knows where he is..." and apparently the Banker's ex is in the audience or something. It's a ridiculous story but it's silly enough.

Box 13 (Chan) - £100,000

That bought us back to serious mode pretty fast.

Box 14 (Adamu) - £750

Right colour if nothing else. Another one of those would be welcome here.

Box 7 (Russ, newbie) - his favourite plant is a carrot for some reason. He's a gardener. Oh the bloke who Charlie had with him was supposed to be a gardener. Anyway let's open a box. - £5

Worth the wait. Banker time!

The Banker is shocked too. Noel points out everyone thought the £20k was on the table yesterday.

Are they wearing matching footwear, The Banker asks of Charlie and his mate Jeff? The answer is an unequivocal no. Yes, they did bring Jeff over.

Five figures?

Banker's offer:

£10,000

Yes

It was presented as £5,000 each for him and Jeff. Who hasn't applied for the show apparently.

Anyway, it's presented as £5,000 for Charlie and that's it. NO DEAL.

We'll know what's going on after the break presumably.

Advert analysis in the style of cfd.

Advert 1 - I think that's the original version of Are You Ready For Love rather than the Fatboy Slim mix. Not that the two are distinguishable easily. Advert forgettable otherwise. 2/5

Advert 2 - Meh. Odd. 2/5

Advert 3 - Utterly generic. 2/5

Advert 4 - I need to be harsher now. So I'll give this ordinary advert 1/5

That's your lot for this break, the adverts are obviously loaded into the later breaks.

Too much messing about

"Yet again, we are proving that Deal or No Deal is at the cutting edge." They've rolled up everyone's trousers in the front row. And now Noel's joining in. This is giong to be mercilessly mocked later.

Did Charlie just say "get on with it?"

Oh my goodness he's wearing a red sock and a blue sock. And stupid boots. Noel, that is. And music is playing.

Pat is in disbelief. "The memory will live with me forever." Thankfully, I'm going to forget.

Anyway, we've got a BIG MONEY GAME TO PLAY. ROUND TWO!

Oh Mike's going to wind down his sock instead. Which Noel does too.

Box 15 (Mike) - £10,000

Muted reaction. Noel seems happier with it than anyone else.

Doughnut Donna time. Noel is thinking about her again. I'm pretty uncomfortable with this, although that's probably because of my own awkward history with food.

Box 11 (Donna) - £500

You can buy a lot of doughnuts for that, but it's still a good amount to lose in this game.

Zeny likes Noel's fashion sense. Minority of one?

Box 10 (Zeny) - £250

Any time you make it to 14-box with eight reds including the QM and three Power 5 backups, you should be happy.

Banker makes a Brokeback Mountain joke.

Banker's offer:

£12,000

That's a straight offer this time.

Charlie makes his first tactical mistake by talking about how £12,000 is "such a lot of money".

It's not long before he decides to NO DEAL, though. At least in the edit.

ROUND THREE

He wants a flat of his own. He's never been in a helicopter but wants to learn to fly one. Don't ask.

Charlie says he thinks the third round often sets the tone. Noel agrees. Charlie wants an all-blue.

Box 20 (Mathew) - 50p

That's one.

Box 2 (Franca) - £75,000

Her first red on the wings is a big one. Blue or an orange here and this is still a good board.

Noel is talking this one up inordinately.

Box 12 (Pat) - not yet! We've got adverts to pay for this game first.

*sigh* Whenever someone picks Chan, I'm just going to mute the TV. I don't care about Noel's stupid 6 hour long conversations!

Advert break 2.

By the way, Pat half-broke the seal there...

Advert 1 - shiny! 4/5

Advert 2 - Aliens with Androids. A pint of wasabi nuts? What? And it's advertising a declining company reliant on unpaid labour so -1/5

Advert 3 - Sherlock Holmes themed cold and flu advert. It's as bad as it sounds. -1/5

Advert 4 - Aldi mocking M&S. My grandad got that stollen last weekend for Christmas. I got the cheaper one without the brandy and stuff. 4/5

Advert 5 - It's better than the horrifically low-res Kia break bumpers for Euro 2012. That's it. 0/5

Advert 6 - Don't ask. Ikea oddness. 1/5

Advert 7 - OH god a referral to "she" as "a bit bulky to go anywhere". -1/5 for everyday sexism.

There's more scandals from Westminster on Dispatches next week. More expenses? Surprise! Not.

We're back. Noel still talks up this box.

"What have we got to get out of here?" "A blue one!"

Box 12 (Pat) - £1,000

Or that. Groaned at first.

"Touch of stalemate about that round," Noel suggests. Not hard to argue with really - mean went up, volatility went up.

The Banker has a silly story about a gnome to fill the time and keep the pilgrims laughing.

Banker's offer:

£13,500

35 minutes past... looks like another third round deal.

Noel runs through his utility function.

He does Pilates and zumba. He admits it's to meet the ladies. This gives the cameraman a flimsy excuse to cut to closeups of Charlotte and Kirsti. At least psychokiller and Moxx will be happy.

David likes this board and says No Deal. Marc is worried about the gap to the £50k, and correctly guesses the probability of losing the £250k this round as "roughly" 27.28%. 3/11 doesn't convert well to a percentage does it?

Adamu says Charlie knows what he wants. "It pays for those who wait." Which is in this case a long-winded way of saying No Deal.

"Quite a few of these expressions don't work in here," says Noel, who used to use them on the assumption they did.

Jeff doesn't know, and won't say. Cue the Banker ringing again...

The Banker says he doesn't worry about Wakeyists because so many of them win blues. This show really has turned over a new leaf.

NO DEAL...

ROUND FOUR

Noel now calls this round the business end. It used to start at 8-box.

He also says the £250k doesn't need to be in the box, it just needs to stay long enough to seal a big-money Deal. Crikey he's changed lately.

Box 3 (David) - £35,000

It might need to stay a little while longer now. "Backup gone." Noel says keeping £250k was always the big thing. "You can still make this work." It sounds like it's in proveout!

Replay of Tommy's big reveal again.

Box 17 (Sue) - £15,000

If it wasn't all about the jackpot before it sure is now. "This is putting massive pressure on your final selection."

Box 4 (Deepa) - break! Obviously thinking a one-box £50k game at the final break wouldn't help the advertising revenue there.