This is Deal or No Deal, a mental chess match where only the strong prevail.

Last week, an episode of Le Banquier mistakenly aired in Deal USA’s timeslot for unknown reasons. The producers ran a disclaimer before the start of tonight’s episode apologizing for the egregious error and promised it would never happen again.

This week, it’s back to business with a new contestant. Or rather, five of them. Five brothers from Detroit, Michigan enter the studio to introduce tonight’s actual contestant - their father, John West. They’ve nominated him to play because he’s been a major source of inspiration for them. John is 64 years old and worked for the Ford Motor Company for 34 years manufacturing cars; Mustangs among them. He plans to share his winnings with his five sons and possibly buy himself a new Mustang.

Five sons equals case 5 for John. And now, it’s juice and jam time.

Round 1
[2] - $50
[7] - $100,000
[26] - $750
[11] - $500,000
[4] - $.01
[1] - $400,000

We’ve seen better opening rounds, and we’ve seen worse ones. But the million is still on the board. Here comes the first offer.

BANKER'S OFFER

$11,000

John says NO DEAL, and we take our first break.

We’re back. John talks about the importantance of hard work and how it shaped his character and career.

Round 2
[6] - $1,000
[3] - $75,000
[14] - $300,000 - This man likes his reds.
[9] - $1,000,000 - This man really likes his reds.
[15] - $10,000

“I know she ain’t going to say something sweet,” says John.

BANKER'S OFFER

$8,000

Nope, she doesn’t. She also thinks John doesn’t have the guts to go the distance. John’s repsonse to that? NO DEAL.

Round 3
[12] - $300
[8] - $400
[25] - $200
[10] - $500

Great recovery there. The lower portion of the board is gone, leading to an offer of

BANKER'S OFFER

$42,000

That’s a 425 per cent increase over the previous offer, according to an on-screen graphic. John says NO DEAL as we put the brakes on this game for a bit. We shall return.

Deal USA plays on right now.

Round 4
[20] - $200,000
[16] - $1
[17] - $25

The $750,000 is looking very exposed right now. “I think I just lost 10 pounds,” says John. The Banker calls to deliver her fourth offer. “She’s so shrewd,” says Howie. “The next offer is...”

BANKER'S OFFER

$0

That’s a first. But the real offer is zero dollars plus... a brand-new Ford Mustang convertible worth at least $55,000. Howie shows John the keys to the car and even lets him hold them. “I can’t split this with my sons,” John says. “NO DEAL!”

If this were Le Banquier, the car would have been the prize for opening the “Surprise” case or given away for free to keep the sponsors happy. But that’s not how we do things around here. And with that, the Mustang goes away and we drive off into the next break.

We’re back to start round 5.

Round 5
[19] - $100
[13] - $25,000

Not bad. One case at a time if John plays on after this offer, which the Banker says is neither funky or fake.

BANKER'S OFFER

$86,000

“We’ve still got the seven-fifty out there,” says one of John’s sons. After mulling over Howie’s question, John says NO DEAL.

Before the sixth round begins, Matt Stafford of the Detroit Lions appears via recorded message to root for John, offer him tickets to an upcoming game and give John and his sons autographed gym bags. Then, Jim Hackett, president and CEO of the Ford Motor Company enters the studio to give John a special plaque commemmorating his 34 years of service and invite him and his sons to a special lunch at Ford’s headquarters.

After the praise, honours and gym bags are handed out, Howie calls a break.

We’re back. Howie praises John for turning down his dream car for his sons.

Round 6
“Are you nervous?” Howie asks John. “Nervous? What’s that, a new type of dessert?” he responds.
[18] - $5,000

We’re still alive. The new offer is

BANKER'S OFFER

$122,000

One of John’s sons thinks he should save the counter offer for the next round. Another says he should use it now. John says NO DEAL.

Round 7
[21] - $5

Holy boats! There is still life in this game! The board at this point:

$10
$75
$50,000
$750,000

“This can pay some bills and buy you a Mustang,” Howie says. “This game is about timing. Is this the time?”

BANKER'S OFFER

$176,000

One of John’s sons wants him to go on. John’s not so sure. Howie offers John and the rest of us some time to contemplate the offer as he throws to the final break.

We’re back for the conclusion of John West’s game. Before the break, he was offered $176,000. Howie re-explains the counter offer. “Man, I didn’t think there would be this kind of pressure,” says John.

His sons are begging him to play on, and John decides exercise his counter offer privileges. He submits a counter offer of

BANKER'S OFFER

$200,000

The Banker calls back quickly. “Man, tell me the verdict!” says a visibly nervous John. Howie delivers the Banker’s verdict - it’s a DEAL!

$200,000 is secure, but was there more money available in this game? Let’s find out.

Proveout
Round 8
[22] - $50,000

BANKER'S OFFER WOULD'VE BEEN

$300,000

Round 9
[24] - $75

BANKER'S OFFER WOULD'VE BEEN

$524,000

Uh, sorry, but is the Banker on crack? That’s wayyyy above the mean.

Overly inflated proveout offers aside, did John just give up the chance to win three-quarters of a million dollars, or was there only a tenner his case?

Howie opens case 5 and reveals $10. So the deal was a good one. The $750,000 was hiding in case 23.

John West can now rev his engine and head north to the Motor City with $200,000 in tow. That’ll certainly help him get that Mustang.

Next time, we meet Philadelphia’s human wind-up toy. Until then, good night and good deals.

John really milked that one case game for all it realistically had to offer, winning a great amount for him and his family to split.

(after two consecutive weeks of absurd proveout offers, I'm not even bothering to give them the time of day so as not to feed the troll that is the Banker)

Somewhere in the Netherlands, John de Mol is cringing himself to death.