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2 chavs fall off a cliff, one in burberry, one in white tracksuit. Who hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?
What do you call a Chav in a box?
A: Innit.
What's the most confusing day of the year for a Chav?
A: Fathers' Day!
How do you start an argument with a chav?
A: Speak!
What do you call a chav on the moon?
A: A problem.
What do you call all the chavs on the moon?
A: Problem solved.
Chav Dictionary
* Innit: Hello.
* Innit: I am a stupid, fat arsehole of a chav.
* Innit: I hate you because you are better than me.
* Innit: I hate pond life because it is better than me.
* Innit: I did not pass my GCSEs.
* Innit: I am in fine possession of an ASBO.
* Innit: ASS
* Innit: Good evening fine sir, could one be so ostentatious as to ask a fine gentleman/madam as yourself to part ways with your currency?
* Innit: Excuse me my good sir, are you searching for a slap to the face?
* Innit: I believe I have obtained the sole rights to sexual congress with this woman, and if you do not stop looking at my esteemed female partner here, I may be required to place my fist in your visage.
* Innit: Aren't these big hoop earrings just lovely?
* Innit: I haven't got anything interesting to say.
* Innit: I am pregnant/have got someone pregnant.
* Innit: I am too thick to get a job, so I will now proceed to steal all your cash/posessions
* Innit: Can you direct me to where I obtain a car body kit, big boy spoilers and chrome alloys for my 1987 Ford Escort, prithee?
* Innit: Would you be so kind as to purchase alcoholic beverages from the shop for me? I am awfully thirsty.
* Innit: Why yes, today is a rather splendid day for a walk in the park, I'll make the picnic, you can go steal us a car.
* Innit: Please put me out of my misery by killing me.
* Innit: I am currently employed at a McDonald's franchise.
* Innit: I am currently employed at a supermarket (part time).
(don't bother learning these two - you're unlikely to meet a chav with a job).
* Innit: I am currently unemployed.
* Innit: I have no idea who my child's father/mother is.
* Innit: I say sir, touch me again and I'll be forced to take appropriate actions by reconstructing your face.
* Innit: MILF
* Innit: Please place all the money you possess in my hand within the next 7 seconds or I will be forced to perform the well known 'Pimp slap' manoeuvre on the right hand side of your face. Later this day I will either hand the money to my drug dealer who has been asking "Where's my money?" over and over for the past 4 and a half months, or I will use it to buy a 3 litre bottle of cheap cider from my local Aldi.
* Innit: I got my 12 year old sister pregnant. Twice!
* Know wha' I'm sayin'?: see "innit"
* Wat r u gawpin' at: What are you looking at sir, if I may politely enquire?
* I'll *beep*' bang ya: I shall now push you in front of my acquaintances to prove I am the dominant male of the species.
* I'll bust ya! I say, your obviously superior intellect is aggravating and humiliating me, and to gain face amongst my fellows i shall have to push you. (Strictly Irish term.)
* I'll brake your *beep*' neck! Old chum, would you please not use such long and complicated phrases as they're giving me an headache, and if you persist i will be forced to hit someone smaller than me.
* No over ei'ty knob'ead: I do not want any old chaps like you next to my council house, I shall now have to relieve you of your valuables.
* Look dats ol me homies! bunch of funkin' *beep* they ar: May I introduce you to my friends? What a fine group of people they are.
* Dont be a ti't knob'ead: Could you please act as I say or you might find yourself in a spot of bother with me.
* Wowowowowow.... Don't bang innit: I see that you have far superior fighting abilities compared to myself. I shall have to remember to bring twice as many friends next time we meet.
* Ooh-ye-*beep*'-mosher-like-i'll-smash-you-up-proper-like-*beep*'-*beep*-ooh innit: Sir, I am warning you, please step away from me or I will become mildly irritated. I strongly insist that you proceed away from my territory. May I also add that your attire irritates me most profusely.
* Yo Yo Yo, I have no beef with you dog!: I have not disrespected your culture, so why are you resorting to physical violence?
* Ya got tha time m8?!: My time is money and is not to be wasted. I want to get a good look at your phone/watch so I can mug you in that underpass over there.
* Ya mutha: For sooth old bean, my sense of humour is simply divine!
* I'd tap that: I wish to borrow your girlfriend for a night, would you be so kind as to oblige? I will try my best not to transfer chlamydia to her but I'll make no guarantees, OK old chum?
* Brer: I consider you to be a close friend/sex partner of mine.
* Beig: I do apologise sir, but I consider nerds/geeks/emos such as yourself to be of a superior calibre in every way to my species. Thus you cannot become one of our friends. I feel threatened by your superiorty and I suggest you run for your life immediately.
* Iz it cuz i iz fit blud?: Are you making that decision purely on my aesthetic appearance?
* I iz bangin in de ghetto: One considers himself quite popular in his homeland.
* Iz yus dizzy blud: Are you of a safe frame of mind dear compatriot? (rhetorical)
* Fookin' Goff: Salutations, fellow citizen! Your taste in earrings and necklaces is quite fine.
* And then I was like...: After he had made his somewhat funny quip I rapidly followed with a rather humorous anecdote of my own. I conversed as follows...
* GIZ A WET!: Excuse me, my good man, could I request a beverage? I'm awfully thristy.
* Yer Mam: Your mother was on fine form last night, old chap.
* Ere leek I'll do yer windys in: I would prefer not to cause offence by inflicting actual bodily harm upon your person. Therefore, I shall instead proceed to make short work of your windows with this large brick.
* I'll do yer knees in leek: My most sincere apologies old boy, but your conduct toward me and my chums has encouraged me to inflict severe damage upon your leg benders.
* Yo' what?: Sincere apologies, my dear old chap, but I had the misfortune of not hearing the last few words you were so kind as to speak. [OR] I must apologise but I must express my disbelief at the statement you just uttered.
* YO' *beep*' KNOB'EAD: You are a person I am not enthralled to be in front of in this moment, presently.
* Wanna get knokd out?: Dear sir, after being appalled by your dress manner and your IQ which is about 200 units higher than mine, i enquire whether you would enjoy being Knocked unconscience by me and my chums?
* Innit Bled?: I agree.
* You better watch it m8!: You are not really my compatriot, nor do I even respect you particularly. It would give me great pleasure to stab you.
* You need a hair cut you *beep*' smelly greebo: I am threatened by the huge cultural differences between yourself and I. Perhaps if you were more like me and removed your long hair via shaving I would not feel so threatened.
* OIOI: Hello ol' bean!
* Yer: Yes.
* Ner: No.
* Wudent *beep* do one: No thank you. (informal)
* I declare Jihad on yo ass!: I shall return with my other chums for a boxing challenge with you next time we meet.
* I got cauwt wiv 'eat in me gaff!: One was unfortunate enough to have his firearm on display in his abode when the law enforcement workers happened to make their standardised check-up.
* Ur getin bnged clean owt m8: Not to ring my own bell, but I believe you are close to your demise as I declare that I am planning to donate to your head an excessive amount of force, possible enough to remove your cerebrum and cerebellum respectively. Mate.
* Safe mayt, chek out me new henri's: Hello old friend, how are you today? Please regard my rather smashing Henri Lloyd tracksuit bottoms.
* Ma Pug 206 'atchback. I dun it up so it cun top 190 m8: I get overtaken by caravans on the A1 in my Peugeot 206. It is obscenely loud with a faulty exhaust and shakes violently when it reaches 70 MPH.
* Your gettin shanked blud!: I am required to engage with my pathetic excuse of a knife because I do not have the physical strength to attack without the use of weaponry.
* C'mon den blud!: Im going to tell my bigger and less intelligent brother about you.
* Caw you're FFFFiiitt!: My fine lady, I do admire your fine physique, and I would most like to engage in sexual intercourse with you.
* Brap: A word commonly used by chavs, brap is usually said when elated at news.
* Braap: See Brap
* Braaap: See Braap
* Braaaap: See Braaap
* Braaaaaaaaaap: See Braaaap
* check out me new rims m8: hey you there, will you join me in viewing these useless new pieces of plastic on which i spent an entire months worth of stolen currency/valuables?
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There's nothing wrong with GM food. Just yesterday I had a lovely leg of salmon.
Last edited by Noel_Blobby on Mon Oct 29, 2007 10:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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FAQ
Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:46 pm Author: Big-Davey Post subject: Jokes thread
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