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Big-Davey

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:46 pm    Author: Big-Davey    Post subject: Jokes thread
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Joined: Sat May 19, 2007 6:23 pm
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If there's one already existing, apologies.

But I must start a jokes thread!

And what a cracker I have to start us off - a little dated coz I remember having it sent to me over a year ago. But I've just had a sent me again and I wanna keep it in writing.

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Big-Davey

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:50 pm    Author: Big-Davey    Post subject:
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Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality Street, and it was After Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic!

He slipped his hand into her Snickers and showed her his Curly Wurly. Not keen to have any Jelly Babies, she let him have her up Bourneville boulevard! She screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun-Size Mars Bar.

It felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted a Time Out, but he then did a Twirl and came in a very Milky Way!!!!!!

_________________
Lifelong fan of Vicky, Siobhan and Lisa

Resident divvy, keeps a nerdy eye on the UK Top 10, makes up the numbers in the forum Fantasy Football...

...and overseeing The 2010 Forum Wing Line-Up! Check it out in the Contestants section of the forum!


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Noel_Blobby

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:59 pm    Author: Noel_Blobby    Post subject:
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Joined: Sat Mar 18, 2006 9:11 am
Location: Nowhere
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...

2 chavs fall off a cliff, one in burberry, one in white tracksuit. Who hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?

What do you call a Chav in a box?
A: Innit.

What's the most confusing day of the year for a Chav?
A: Fathers' Day!

How do you start an argument with a chav?
A: Speak!

What do you call a chav on the moon?
A: A problem.

What do you call all the chavs on the moon?
A: Problem solved.

Chav Dictionary
* Innit: Hello.
* Innit: I am a stupid, fat arsehole of a chav.
* Innit: I hate you because you are better than me.
* Innit: I hate pond life because it is better than me.
* Innit: I did not pass my GCSEs.
* Innit: I am in fine possession of an ASBO.
* Innit: ASS
* Innit: Good evening fine sir, could one be so ostentatious as to ask a fine gentleman/madam as yourself to part ways with your currency?
* Innit: Excuse me my good sir, are you searching for a slap to the face?
* Innit: I believe I have obtained the sole rights to sexual congress with this woman, and if you do not stop looking at my esteemed female partner here, I may be required to place my fist in your visage.
* Innit: Aren't these big hoop earrings just lovely?
* Innit: I haven't got anything interesting to say.
* Innit: I am pregnant/have got someone pregnant.
* Innit: I am too thick to get a job, so I will now proceed to steal all your cash/posessions
* Innit: Can you direct me to where I obtain a car body kit, big boy spoilers and chrome alloys for my 1987 Ford Escort, prithee?
* Innit: Would you be so kind as to purchase alcoholic beverages from the shop for me? I am awfully thirsty.
* Innit: Why yes, today is a rather splendid day for a walk in the park, I'll make the picnic, you can go steal us a car.
* Innit: Please put me out of my misery by killing me.
* Innit: I am currently employed at a McDonald's franchise.
* Innit: I am currently employed at a supermarket (part time).

(don't bother learning these two - you're unlikely to meet a chav with a job).

* Innit: I am currently unemployed.
* Innit: I have no idea who my child's father/mother is.
* Innit: I say sir, touch me again and I'll be forced to take appropriate actions by reconstructing your face.
* Innit: MILF
* Innit: Please place all the money you possess in my hand within the next 7 seconds or I will be forced to perform the well known 'Pimp slap' manoeuvre on the right hand side of your face. Later this day I will either hand the money to my drug dealer who has been asking "Where's my money?" over and over for the past 4 and a half months, or I will use it to buy a 3 litre bottle of cheap cider from my local Aldi.
* Innit: I got my 12 year old sister pregnant. Twice!
* Know wha' I'm sayin'?: see "innit"
* Wat r u gawpin' at: What are you looking at sir, if I may politely enquire?
* I'll *beep*' bang ya: I shall now push you in front of my acquaintances to prove I am the dominant male of the species.
* I'll bust ya! I say, your obviously superior intellect is aggravating and humiliating me, and to gain face amongst my fellows i shall have to push you. (Strictly Irish term.)
* I'll brake your *beep*' neck! Old chum, would you please not use such long and complicated phrases as they're giving me an headache, and if you persist i will be forced to hit someone smaller than me.
* No over ei'ty knob'ead: I do not want any old chaps like you next to my council house, I shall now have to relieve you of your valuables.
* Look dats ol me homies! bunch of funkin' *beep* they ar: May I introduce you to my friends? What a fine group of people they are.
* Dont be a ti't knob'ead: Could you please act as I say or you might find yourself in a spot of bother with me.
* Wowowowowow.... Don't bang innit: I see that you have far superior fighting abilities compared to myself. I shall have to remember to bring twice as many friends next time we meet.
* Ooh-ye-*beep*'-mosher-like-i'll-smash-you-up-proper-like-*beep*'-*beep*-ooh innit: Sir, I am warning you, please step away from me or I will become mildly irritated. I strongly insist that you proceed away from my territory. May I also add that your attire irritates me most profusely.
* Yo Yo Yo, I have no beef with you dog!: I have not disrespected your culture, so why are you resorting to physical violence?
* Ya got tha time m8?!: My time is money and is not to be wasted. I want to get a good look at your phone/watch so I can mug you in that underpass over there.
* Ya mutha: For sooth old bean, my sense of humour is simply divine!
* I'd tap that: I wish to borrow your girlfriend for a night, would you be so kind as to oblige? I will try my best not to transfer chlamydia to her but I'll make no guarantees, OK old chum?
* Brer: I consider you to be a close friend/sex partner of mine.
* Beig: I do apologise sir, but I consider nerds/geeks/emos such as yourself to be of a superior calibre in every way to my species. Thus you cannot become one of our friends. I feel threatened by your superiorty and I suggest you run for your life immediately.
* Iz it cuz i iz fit blud?: Are you making that decision purely on my aesthetic appearance?
* I iz bangin in de ghetto: One considers himself quite popular in his homeland.
* Iz yus dizzy blud: Are you of a safe frame of mind dear compatriot? (rhetorical)
* Fookin' Goff: Salutations, fellow citizen! Your taste in earrings and necklaces is quite fine.
* And then I was like...: After he had made his somewhat funny quip I rapidly followed with a rather humorous anecdote of my own. I conversed as follows...
* GIZ A WET!: Excuse me, my good man, could I request a beverage? I'm awfully thristy.
* Yer Mam: Your mother was on fine form last night, old chap.
* Ere leek I'll do yer windys in: I would prefer not to cause offence by inflicting actual bodily harm upon your person. Therefore, I shall instead proceed to make short work of your windows with this large brick.
* I'll do yer knees in leek: My most sincere apologies old boy, but your conduct toward me and my chums has encouraged me to inflict severe damage upon your leg benders.
* Yo' what?: Sincere apologies, my dear old chap, but I had the misfortune of not hearing the last few words you were so kind as to speak. [OR] I must apologise but I must express my disbelief at the statement you just uttered.
* YO' *beep*' KNOB'EAD: You are a person I am not enthralled to be in front of in this moment, presently.
* Wanna get knokd out?: Dear sir, after being appalled by your dress manner and your IQ which is about 200 units higher than mine, i enquire whether you would enjoy being Knocked unconscience by me and my chums?
* Innit Bled?: I agree.
* You better watch it m8!: You are not really my compatriot, nor do I even respect you particularly. It would give me great pleasure to stab you.
* You need a hair cut you *beep*' smelly greebo: I am threatened by the huge cultural differences between yourself and I. Perhaps if you were more like me and removed your long hair via shaving I would not feel so threatened.
* OIOI: Hello ol' bean!
* Yer: Yes.
* Ner: No.
* Wudent *beep* do one: No thank you. (informal)
* I declare Jihad on yo ass!: I shall return with my other chums for a boxing challenge with you next time we meet.
* I got cauwt wiv 'eat in me gaff!: One was unfortunate enough to have his firearm on display in his abode when the law enforcement workers happened to make their standardised check-up.
* Ur getin bnged clean owt m8: Not to ring my own bell, but I believe you are close to your demise as I declare that I am planning to donate to your head an excessive amount of force, possible enough to remove your cerebrum and cerebellum respectively. Mate.
* Safe mayt, chek out me new henri's: Hello old friend, how are you today? Please regard my rather smashing Henri Lloyd tracksuit bottoms.
* Ma Pug 206 'atchback. I dun it up so it cun top 190 m8: I get overtaken by caravans on the A1 in my Peugeot 206. It is obscenely loud with a faulty exhaust and shakes violently when it reaches 70 MPH.
* Your gettin shanked blud!: I am required to engage with my pathetic excuse of a knife because I do not have the physical strength to attack without the use of weaponry.
* C'mon den blud!: Im going to tell my bigger and less intelligent brother about you.
* Caw you're FFFFiiitt!: My fine lady, I do admire your fine physique, and I would most like to engage in sexual intercourse with you.
* Brap: A word commonly used by chavs, brap is usually said when elated at news.
* Braap: See Brap
* Braaap: See Braap
* Braaaap: See Braaap
* Braaaaaaaaaap: See Braaaap
* check out me new rims m8: hey you there, will you join me in viewing these useless new pieces of plastic on which i spent an entire months worth of stolen currency/valuables?

_________________
There's nothing wrong with GM food. Just yesterday I had a lovely leg of salmon.


Last edited by Noel_Blobby on Mon Oct 29, 2007 10:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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"The Banker"

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 11:07 pm    Author: "The Banker"    Post subject:
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Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2006 1:24 am
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http://www.dond.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.p ... oke+thread

http://www.dond.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.p ... oke+thread

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“Tell me," Wittgenstein's asked a friend, "why do people always say, it was natural for man to assume that the sun went round the earth rather than that the earth was rotating?" His friend replied, "Well, obviously because it just looks as though the Sun is going round the Earth."
Wittgenstein replied, "Well, what would it have looked like if it had looked as though the Earth was rotating?”
― Ludwig Wittgenstein


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Maud

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 11:23 pm    Author: Maud    Post subject:
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Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:15 pm
Location: In my Bush drinking Odka
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Big-Davey wrote:
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality Street, and it was After Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic!

He slipped his hand into her Snickers and showed her his Curly Wurly. Not keen to have any Jelly Babies, she let him have her up Bourneville boulevard! She screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun-Size Mars Bar.

It felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted a Time Out, but he then did a Twirl and came in a very Milky Way!!!!!!


Divvy, you always take mucking about about rude stuff one step too far, just like your filthy avatar that time this joke is inapropriate for this forum.

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flamedtresses

PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 11:49 pm    Author: flamedtresses    Post subject:
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Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:40 am
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ive been sent a few joke texts recently but i cant post them on here sorry too rude


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Big-Davey

PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 11:34 am    Author: Big-Davey    Post subject:
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Joined: Sat May 19, 2007 6:23 pm
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This one isn't too rude Maud - just very clever wording!

Admit it, you've been beaten in terms of who is dirtier!

_________________
Lifelong fan of Vicky, Siobhan and Lisa

Resident divvy, keeps a nerdy eye on the UK Top 10, makes up the numbers in the forum Fantasy Football...

...and overseeing The 2010 Forum Wing Line-Up! Check it out in the Contestants section of the forum!


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Maud

PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 11:46 am    Author: Maud    Post subject:
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Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:15 pm
Location: In my Bush drinking Odka
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Big-Davey wrote:
This one isn't too rude Maud - just very clever wording!

Admit it, you've been beaten in terms of who is dirtier!


It is clever wording, I have laughed at that joke many times but it is still inappropriate on this forum.

Oh and btw you will never be dirtier then me, well only in the case of you not washing you smelly git.

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Big-Davey

PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 12:03 pm    Author: Big-Davey    Post subject:
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I'm at a disadvantage though coz you got Betty and god knows who else for encouragement! :oops:

_________________
Lifelong fan of Vicky, Siobhan and Lisa

Resident divvy, keeps a nerdy eye on the UK Top 10, makes up the numbers in the forum Fantasy Football...

...and overseeing The 2010 Forum Wing Line-Up! Check it out in the Contestants section of the forum!


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matthew17

PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:41 pm    Author: matthew17    Post subject:
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Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2008 1:26 pm
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What kind of vegetable plays snooker?

A cue-cumber.

Rubbish joke, lol


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mattsr

PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:13 pm    Author: mattsr    Post subject:

Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2007 10:52 am
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A zoo keeper from Chessington is delivering a van load of monkeys to Liverpool Zoo. On the way up the M6 his van breaks down, with all the monkeys in the back.

After a while the monkeys are getting a bit restless, so he flags down another van heading north and says to the driver,

"If I pay you £100 will you take these monkeys to Liverpool Zoo for me?"


The other driver agrees and sets off with the monkeys.

A few hours later,the zoo keeper gets his van going, and is on his way back to London, when he's surprised to see the other van overtake him- with the monkeys still in the back.

He flashes his lights, and both vans pull over.

"Hang on," says the first van driver, " I paid you £100 to take those monkeys to Liverpool Zoo!"

"I did," replies the other. "But I've got £50 left, so I thought we'd go to Alton Towers as well!". :bonk:


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mattsr

PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:15 pm    Author: mattsr    Post subject:

Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2007 10:52 am
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Maud wrote:
Big-Davey wrote:
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality Street, and it was After Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic!

He slipped his hand into her Snickers and showed her his Curly Wurly. Not keen to have any Jelly Babies, she let him have her up Bourneville boulevard! She screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun-Size Mars Bar.

It felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted a Time Out, but he then did a Twirl and came in a very Milky Way!!!!!!


Divvy, you always take mucking about about rude stuff one step too far, just like your filthy avatar that time this joke is inapropriate for this forum.


What's rude about chocolate bars??


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Noel_Blobby

PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:32 pm    Author: Noel_Blobby    Post subject:
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Joined: Sat Mar 18, 2006 9:11 am
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Two Geordies riding along the A19 on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Geordies ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Geordies he has to leave. So they ask for a lift home.

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Geordies put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies sarcastically "Geordie eggs." The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Geordie eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the *beep*s have managed to nick a motorbike already".

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There's nothing wrong with GM food. Just yesterday I had a lovely leg of salmon.


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killersbee

PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:26 pm    Author: killersbee    Post subject:
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Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2007 9:52 pm
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An oldie this one...

Why did Pauline Fowler cross the road?

To have a brain herronmage... :oops:

_________________
Skyline: "You're still winging about a game six hours after it airs, and it's not even your money!"
H2005: "Anyone can quote anything from here, so long as kestral and I get £4,523.49 each for every word that's quoted."


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Noel_Blobby

PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:08 pm    Author: Noel_Blobby    Post subject:
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The Government have found the names of those who go abroad and shame the country by doing things as if they're drunk etc...

Robinson, Heskey, Beckham, Owen, Gerrard...

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There's nothing wrong with GM food. Just yesterday I had a lovely leg of salmon.


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garylq

PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:47 am    Author: garylq    Post subject:
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Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2007 2:31 pm
Location: Exmouth
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A woman finds out that a milk bath does wonders for your skin, so she leaves a note for the milkman to leave 20 gallons of milk for her next delivery. He arrives the next morning, but upon seeing the note he thinks that there must be a mistake, so he rings the doorbell. The woman comes to the door, wearing only a towel, and explains why she needs 20 gallons. The milkman asks, "do you want it pasteurised?" The woman answers, "No, just up to my boobs please".

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What a dope of a bloke!


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matthew17

PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:56 pm    Author: matthew17    Post subject:
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Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2008 1:26 pm
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humpty dumpty's fave ice cream is walls :D


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Michael DeVere

PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:57 pm    Author: Michael DeVere    Post subject:

Joined: Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:46 pm
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A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she’s cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock...”


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matthew17

PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:05 pm    Author: matthew17    Post subject:
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Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2008 1:26 pm
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Here's another one : What's the difference between lightning and electricity?

Quote:
Lightning doesn't raise your electric bills. :lol:


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killersbee

PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:07 pm    Author: killersbee    Post subject:
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Good one, Matthew :roll: ;)

_________________
Skyline: "You're still winging about a game six hours after it airs, and it's not even your money!"
H2005: "Anyone can quote anything from here, so long as kestral and I get £4,523.49 each for every word that's quoted."


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