Chicken Vindaloo.

Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!

What do you call a hyena that's fallen in gravy?
A laughing stock!

What do you call two robbers?
A pair of knickers!

What did the chicken say when he met James Bond?
The names Ken, Chick-Ken.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself!

I bought 100 boxes of Tipp-Ex last night.
I made a huge mistake!

8 legs of venison for £50, is that two dear?
It's a lot of doe for your money!

I'm going to be cryogenically frozen. Still, I want a traditional funeral - you know, with music and all.

For the main song at my service, before they wheel me off into the freezer - I'm having that one where he sings, "...You're as cold as ice....Cold as ice I know...ohhhhhh, yes I know"...


Cue the classic line.

"We'll let you know...."

My mate died after taking an E.

Countdown's security staff don't f*ck about.

...

Grandpa Joe = scrounging bas-tard.

20 years he was in that bed, and as soon as a golden ticket comes along... "Oh actually I can walk, and I can dance and stuff."

...

Whenever I see a girl I find attractive, I'm always too afraid to go over and talk to her, in case I make a Freudian slu-t.

...

Have you detected a foul, pungent stench of toxic air in the atmosphere? It's been investigated and it's been traced back to the 1970's department at the BBC archives.

What happens to a frog when it dies?

It croaks.


Here are a few of my own:


There are now a number of prison inmates who are facing the unenviable prospect of their Arts and Crafts class being taken over by Rolf Harris.

Would you like to emulate Rolf Harris' style of cartoon drawing? Don't use your writing hand and break a couple of fingers on it.

Bonnie Tyler was performing on the TV just before. I heard her voice from upstairs. I was concerned at first, as I initially thought that the roof tiles were falling down.

Why do fish enjoy surfing the internet?
Because when they go online, they get hooked


Which Pokemon would you rather have as a girlfriend? Lugia or Ho-Oh?
Lugia. No one wants their girlfriend to be a Ho-Oh

Why would a stuffed toy of Lola Bunny prefer to be called a plushy?
Because it doesn't like being called a *blows ears back* doll!

What happens after a skunk writes a letter?
The letter gets scent

Why don't Razorbacks make good partners?
Because they're such a boar

What do you call a non-Australian Koala?
Koala Lumpur

What do you get when You come across a skunk and a waterslide?
Fifi la Flume

Why do snakes have no trouble weighing themselves?
They always have their scales on them

What happens when you get eaten by a mouse?
It puts you in it's trap instead

I don't know how i ended doing all these animal jokes!

Stuart Hall's career has fallen faster than the 'It's a Knockout' GB Team on the bucking bronco.

Two of the arrested celebrities as part of the Yewtree investigation are Jimmy Tarbuck and Rolf Harris.

Surely their biggest crime was never retiring?

Why did Bugs Bunny get shot?

Because Daffy Ducked.

Chortle Chortle.

For many years, the most toxic place on Earth was Pripyat in Ukraine. Now, it's the archives at the BBC.

I bought a second-hand car from her once. It generally runs OK, but every now and then it falls apart.

Ba dum tsch!

I offered her one of my Cadbury Roses, but she refused. Then I asked if she would like one of my Quality Street but again, she refused.

I think she was holding out for a Heroes.

I was on an aeroplane sitting between a zombie and a vampire, the zombie asked me what life was like in the 1990s

My response was "It was pretty good, though people would've been more scared of You guys back then, then they are now"

"What makes you say that?" said the zombie

"Well, You guys were too hot to touch back in those days" i said

"What does that mean?" said the vampire

"BECAUSE YOU GUYS WEREN'T COOL BACK THEN!"

A man went on the run yesterday after being caught stealing two tubs of yellow dessert. Police say he's now safely in custardy.

Celtic FC have just announced their new manager. I've heard when they offered him the post, they posed the question, "Ronnie, Deila or No Deila?"

(See http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/27718845 if you don't get it.)

The United Kingdom Independence Party.

Getting all political, now...

*throws rotten tomatoes*

Why did American Coupon Boy cross the road?

To insult yet another innocent member of public!

Better Together.

'Now, Mr Hewer, I'm just going to insert my thermometer...'